The YourSecretary Experience: Better Than Sex

So, I've officially found a title for my series on YourSecretary... you remember her right? Well, because it appears as though it will be an ongoing saga, it needs a title and I liked YourSecretary Experiance... Because its quite the experience every time you have to interact with her....

So today's installment is titled "Better Than Sex." ... Yeah........................................ I'm sure you can already tell this is going great places. This is just a day in the life of YourSecretary and her humble minions (yours truly). Let me just preface this by saying that on one fateful day I went to (we'll call her "S") S's desk. S keeps candy on her desk so that when the coworkers get stressed (which at this job you inevitably do) they can stop by for a mini break and get some yummy candy. Ok, so I stop by and see S and am talking about work related things, NOT for candy. All of the sudden in swoops YourSecretary, on the prowl; nothing will stand in her way. She eyes the candy and there just isn't any getting between her and her prey. I happened to be standing in front of the candy and Im a big person so I suppose? it may have been difficult for anyone to reach over and get candy. So.... in YourSecretary swoops, throws her left arm in front of me grabbing for the candy and pushing me back. All of the sudden I find myself talking over YourSecretary to S in an effort to get the vital information I seek. All I hear is ruffling of wrappers, YourSecretary scrounging for the perfect piece(s) of candy. It reminded me a little of a squirrel burrowing a hole looking for the acorn it burried a week ago combined with a 7 year old child collecting as much candy from the pinata as they could. So, moral of that story, she knocked my ass back to get to some funsize candy bars.

with that being said, let me bring you back to this day, a Friday, do the least amount of work mood (even more that usual) is in the air. It's about 8:30, not very many people have come in yet and in walks (who w will call "B"). B brought in a cake that her mother got for her and sent from her home town to share with everyone. So B asks YourSecretary numerous times if she wanted some. But, she kept saying no apparently? I walked in after this seemed to have happen... oh no wait! I didn't she just wanted to pretend it had been a long battle. B asked her once she said nothing so that B would have to ask her again, but she never did. So, a piece of this cake is brought over to YourSecretary and out of nowehere:

[RASP] OH NO GIRL... You asked me before and I told you I don't want none. Girrrllll, you know I don't eat sweats. [cough]heh[cough]heh

So... she doesn't eat sweats? I was mistaken when she rushed like a football player to get some fun-fucking-size candy.

So... fast forward to like 1030ish. S comes around with one of her Better Than Sex cakes. At this point I have my earphones on so I can't hear what S, or any normal volume of speech. They're talking about something and all I hear is:

It's a myth....

[no response]

That's just a myth S. You know that. It's a myth ...... [10 seconds pass]... It's a myth, girl a myth.

S:Yeah, that's what I was just saying.

[rasp] Yeah girl, you know it ain't true. [rasp] I heard that name of that cake girl, and I thought: that's a myth. Girl you know that ain't the truth. [rasp][rasp][rasp][rasp] Girl when you got a husband, like I do, thats a myth. Girrrrrrrrrl.

[S walks away and is around the corner nearly down the hall]

[rasp][rasp] Girl [rasp][rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp]. Girrrrllllll, heh, you know when you married like I am that ain't true, ain't nothing like it.

Yes, okay YourSecretary. I see you have a husband. It also appears as though you have had sex with him. In fact, that picture of your daughter that you keep open and stare at for hours at end, hoping that someone..... anyone will just take a split second to look. One glance thats all you ask, so that they can be amazed by her beauty and ask you who she is, some attention is all you crave.... oh lord, sorry I went off on a tangent. That daughter, in addition to the other child you have who you speak to constantly at work with the ghettoest (ghettoist?) of names; those things suggest that you have in fact had sex at least twice in your life.

But! Just in case you weren't sure, 1:30pm rolls along, just in the nick of time. Just as I was forgetting the idea that YourSecretary had had sex. Finally letting that go. Our GD supervisor got a piece of that damn cake. YourSecretary had at this point already had a piece (or probably 7... im a fat ass too, who am i to judge). All of sudden:

[rasp] Hey [supervisor's name, twice] [rasp] You try that cake yet? Huh, girrllll? You try S's cake yet? [rasp] [cough, cough] You know what it's called right?

[maybe like 2 minutes pass]

[rasp] You know the name of that cake don't you, girrrl, I know you know. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's wrong [supervisor's name]. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's so wrong. It's good, [rasp] [supervisor's name] but it ain't the truth. [rasp] No way. [rasp] Ain't nothing better. When you got a husband like I do. When you're married like me. It ain't true, girrrlllll. I got a husband, [rasp] ain't nothing better. That cake ain't.

So, I apologize if that is hard to understand. I just hope I was able to accurately represent her gloriousness. I just don't think I can do it justice!

Lessons learned: YourSecretary doesn't eat sweats ever, except on days that end with Y, usually. Also, YourSecreatary has had sex and it was better than those pieces of cake that she had.

You're Welcome!

Now Playing: Nan, You're a Window Shopper - Lily Allen

Pet Peeve of The Day:

That is a half eaten plum... and some random cheese shreds.... on my counter.