Who said an earthquake was a bad thing?

So, today, as probably everyone knows and is already annoyed over, there was an earthquake in Virginia that spread fairly far. I sit here and see Roxie come out from under my bed, 3 hours after it happened, remember hearing my coworker yell at people to get out, and I'll admit it, it had my heart racing a little bit. It was kinda crazy, all things considered. Yes, I know California has em all the time or whatever. Good for you guys, we NEVER get them, our buildings arent equipped to handle earthquakes, nor are our psyche's. My supervisor screamed louder than I thought was humanely possible then sprinted out the building SO fast... then had the nerve to stand under a tree the whole time. That was, before she got a seat in a nice car with.... bum-bum-bum YOURSECRETARY!

So, the real reason I posted this was because, while sitting outside for a good 45 minutes in my coworker A's car, about 5 of us got to people watching and... sure enough the person that is YourSecretary made her presence known; instantly turning us into 12 year old catty bitches!My coworker M was quick to point out that YourSecretary was freaking out the second she got outside. "OH NO C, OH NO C [Rasp] THE EARTHQUAKES OUT [Cough Cough] HERE TOO!"

Then, maybe 20 minutes later, YourSecretary Waddled her way back to the building. She was just so worried that her purse would get stolen by the............. NO ONE ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING. Thank god I had my wallet with me because Im going to have to assume there were ulterior motives of some kind. She doesn't drive so there is no way she was getting her keys. At any rate, she came back out, and was talking to someone about something, and lucky for me we got a nice little video captured. Now, I want to warn you, 1- its sideways and I have no idea why... stupid iPhone.... so just be a doll and tilt your head sideways. Secondly, its just a split second because ..... being incognito is hard. So this is just one of MANY random spastic movements she VOLUNTARILY has.

Now that this post is said and done.... I feel somewhat guilty about posting it... Im pretty much a huge asshole and will likely burn in hell for it. But, I was already headed there so, why not. Not to mention peer pressure was working hard on this one, so Im taking all you ladies who were laughing right along with me. Take that!

Pet Peeve of The Day - My iPhone video recorder... what the heck man, the phone was held upright, why is it sideways? Is upright a word/the right word?

Now Playing - Casualty of Love by Jessie J.... cant get enough of her!!!!!!!

The YourSecretary Experience: Detailed Analysis

So.... I know this has become such an irregular thing. But, I've found inspiration to write a new blog. I would like to take this opportunity to analyze some of YourSecretary's work. Really dive in there and try to see what makes her tick, how she operates. For science, you know?

I kept trying to make this picture bigger... but it wouldn't get bigger. Hopefully it still has the full effect/affect (I will literally never understand the proper spelling and usage of those words). Let me explain to you what this is a picture of. In the mail room of the particular agency I work at, each box is for a particular unit. Above your unit's box is a list of the names of the people in your unit for distribution. As you guessed, YourSecretary is responsible for creating the list. The first thing to note, before even delving into the 6 points I've made in the picture, is the size of our paper. In comparison to the other lists, it's fairly large. It is in a plastic sleeve and all taped up. Its wondrous (thats how you spell that?).

Ok so here we go... diving into it!

1- The first thing I should note is the placement of names. Its seems as though the grouping of the names is separated into 3 groups, supervisor, clerical staff, and workers. So, understandably at the top of the list is the name of the unit and the unit supervisor. But, for some reason there is this space between the supervisor then the secretary's name. Then.... WAY down there below YourSecretary is the workers. I like this subconscious super blatant attempt to show the amount of importance she feels to the unit. She clearly believes that by talking on her cell phone and the office phone to her husband, mother, daughter, cousin, corner store owner, customer service rep.... that she is really contributing the most to our unit. Without her humming along to music with moans and groans, rasping it up, moving papers around to pretend to work, nothing would ever get done I'm sure.

2,3, & 4- Now these 3 kind of go hand in hand. 2= First Name; 3= Comma; 4= Last name. So... yeah. She organized our names with First, Last. This woman has a comma fetish I think. She never uses : or ; for anything. She is ALL about the commas. But, I think she fails to realize that when you put someone's name First then Last... you don't actually have to... scratch that you are not supposed to put a comma. This would suggest that my names is actually Pelz-Butler Erika. and my child would be named Mary Erika... what is that shit. Here is what I think happened. She had never done anything like use commas in names. Then she saw someone else do it and maybe due to her choice in elaborate names, thought that it was First, Last. Then she just started rolling with it.... I guess? I just don't understand how she can spend her day filing closed cases in which its Last, First... but then think that she can just go ahead and do it wrong. But, then again, Im thinking that she probably doesn't actually do filing so .... that might explain that. But you're a fucking secretary, and you make a big fucking deal about your job title and make such a loud fuss about making sure EVERYONE knows exactly how hard you work and how cool you are... so how on EARTH do you not understand the basic elementary principles like name order and fucking filing. Good lord. But, this is a woman who can't attach things to emails (thats an actual fact). So I cant expect much. I gotta say, this is a HUGE issue for me... probably too big.

5- I think YourSecretary reads my blog.... because this has just got to be spite. This motherfucker capitalized my second last name, but not my first. She probably heard me complain about how frustrating it is that people only call me Erika Butler... and thought, "Hey fuck you erika. I'll teach you to correct my grammar, punctuation, and go around doing my job because I dont show up or just spend all day smoking a cigarette." Its one thing to capitalize the P and not the B because it seems like all one last name. But, do not capitalize the P means that you deliberately didn't capitalize the FIRST LETTER IN MY LAST NAME!

6- This is a minor issue... especially considering the fact that she can't be trusted to do shit and understand basic principals. But, the order of the names is interesting. Its obviously not alphabetized because... that would be silly. But, it's a known fact that M.F. is YourSecretary's favorite worker by far. This is the girl she says goodbye to everyday really loud after passing everyone else and refusing to say a word. Then when she got laughed at she whispered goodbye..... very loud. Then there's W.B. who is the only gentleman in our unit, which means your girl LOVES him.

Well alright! Thanks for taking the time to help me sufficiently analyze this document. Its important for the overall understanding of how YourSecretary operates... and what I have to go through. I think I'm going to create a new, proper, list to replace it. I'm just worried about the wrath of YourSecretary. I know she'll know it was one of 3 people and then she'll start freaking out and spreading her raspy cigarette disgustingness all over everything, and I might catch a pack a day habit. We don't want that.

Pet Peeve of the Day - Commas.

Now Playing - I know I posted this on facebook but I wanted to share the musical stylings of YourSecretary with you guys. To preface this, this is what YourSecretary sounds like when she is humming along to music she is listening to on her computer. Also, do to the covert nature of the recording, it's fairly quiet so you need to turn your volume ALL the way up and if possible use headphones. Love, Erika.

The YourSecretary Experience: Showing Restraint

So, yes.... it has been like......................... 2 months since I posted. Mainly because Im lame, and partially because Im lazy. But, I wrote down all these YourSecretary series ideas and did nothing with them. But this particular one, "showing restraint" is one Ive been working on for quite some time. As you probably know, I have a twitter and a facebook, and I frequently update my status at work to express my frustration. But, I realized that I was posting far too often so I started writing them as notes on my phone. I emailed them to myself like 5 days ago and am just getting around to posting it. I also want to try to post some of my facebook statuses just... to include all my gems. Unfortunately I didn't date it, just timed it. So please enjoy the following as an insight into my daily experience with YourSecretary. Some you've seen perhaps, some seem to be new. First, some statuses of mine that I actually posted....

Don't worry y'all she just announced loudly on the phone that she never wanted to be a social worker. I will not continue this thought as it is extremely mean and cold hearted.

Hold music for metro access or your cell phone company or k mart or whatever the fuck company you're calling isn't meant for in the office speaker phone

(5 minutes later)

Ooooo turning it up when your supervisor leaves? Well played. Today is a pissy Erika day, I can't be held accountable.

Ewwwwww you're having a conversation on the phone with someone and every 3 words you pause to blow your nose just a little bit.

There is no way to get this noise I'm plagued with recorded.... DAMNIT!!! How will anyone else know my pain?

If you could just hear the mumbling that comes out of my mouth allll day.

If I could guess without looking (because you never look directly into medusa's eyes) she's eating canned peaches because the slurping is SO LOUD. But, more than likely it's toast.

Did THIS bitch just call someone illiterate!?!?! Bahahaha I think she meant ignorant. Mass posting is a symptom of being here alone, sorry

Ok so.... those are just a sample... I could go on FOREVER... but I will now attach all those that I didn't post. For that newness factor. So keep in mind, this is all stuff I DIDNT post for fear of overwhelming people... I copied and pasted directly from what I wrote in my phone:

9:32 - how convenient you came in from smoking your 1 (20 minute) cigarette as soon as the other bureau chief (who had been using our workspace) left.

10:20 - Shut. The Fuck. Up. You were not busting your ass to do anything, because had you actually ever done work it would have been a calm process. Also, you made your mother loving point! Stop repeating and repeating and finding new ways of saying the same damn thing.

2:30- you just called your figure "such a good one" ... Come on.

3:20- I wish people would stop encouraging her to talk about how she doesn't do work when she has headphone.

3:50- "don't tell me what I gotta do. I just gotta stay black pay taxes and die... Not what I must do and am required to do, that's another story" I heard that same sentence 3 times in 2 minutes.

4:00pm- I'm pretty sure there is only one song on her computer that shes playing over and over.

10:00- I asked her what's wrong, I asked what's wrong. Then she told me. ... Get up off your lazy ass and watch the news.

8:30-"let me explain something to you: When you pray, when you pray, when you pray... Prayer works."

8:17- Bahahahaha based on the noise I hear when she walks by, I'd say she is probably wearing snow pants!

9:35- hahaha with your rasp it's impossible for you to whisper without me knowing.

1:26- that chicken is too much!?!? Your fucking face is too damn much.

1:27 - bitch you start and stop diets like I drive on the beltway.... At least twice a fucking day.

SO there you have it... Life at work is exceptionally fun. I spend half of my energy trying to keep sane in the face of ignorance, incompetence, and.... loudness. Hope this has been a joyful experience for you, seeing as how I havent posted in months.

Pet Peeve of the Day - Tasty Foods.... why do the tastiest foods out there make me stay fat. I would eat healthy if it tasted good. I understand this is cliche, but it is SOO true. I don't crave mealy disgusting and tasteless food. I crave sugar and salt and deep fried goodness. Come on mother nature, hook a sister up with some awesome fat filled diet.

Now Playing - Now, I know I posted this video on my facebook. So, here I'll just post the name of the song. "Mama Knows Best" by Jessie J.... love it!

Internet Speak

So, I am a slave to the internet and all of it's wonderful powers. I have a facebook and twitter, Im hip to all that stuff. But, that being said, I hate the internet. Facebook has connected me to people and thats all well and good. But, it has forced me to endure being "friends" with people I can't stand, and should therefore probably delete.

Now before I start I will make an admission. I post updates probably FAR too often.... and I have a foursquare account so people know where I am too much. BUT, I only post like 1/3 of my check ins on twitter and I like to add a little whitty remark to them. I think through everything I post and try not to post on a whim every 5 seconds. So, I apologize for the likely hypocritical post Im about to put you through. But it had to be done.

Ok there are a few types of people who post. Im the type who posts more than she should and checks in all the time. But, Id like to touch on 3.

#1 I post 2 damn much about random things.

As you can see, in the matter of an hour. There are 5 or 6 posts that were within the hour. Now, for this gentleman it is a regular occurrence. His primary goal, apparently, is to get as many twitter followers as possible. I guess because internet friends who don't read your posts are just about the same as real friends? I know I can border or posting shit all the time. But, I like to think my posts are relevant to at least some of my followers. I try to make them funny or substantial in some way. I know I fail often at that but... I at least try!

#2 Depressed Attention Whore

Unfortunately I don't have a picture for this one. But, you know who Im talking about when I talk about them. I have one friend in particular who is FOREVER posting melodramatic bullshit. The person from example #1 is guilty of this ("I miss her" "Man I fucked up" blah blah). But this other person is SO MUCH WORSE. Lordy.

"so i close my eyes and i realize i am right now at this very moment am truly happy. no one can take this feeling away from me. u are better than any year in my past. cant wait to see what this feature brings us! :)" comes literally 40 minutes after"SOoo im realizing i dont like you very much!" BUT... what's even better than that. She deleted it but, she said in between those two posts something along the lines of "when will I ever be happy"

She's constantly saying things like that, Im never happy, no one likes me, why me... WHY, I have a shitty life, blah blah. I havent the slightest idea what is so wrong in her life. But, all of this is unnecessary.

#3 Absurdly Annoying Spelling/Grammar/Topic

Ok, both of these belong to the same person. This person is probably the single most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life. This is the person that spends her WHOLE FING LUNCH BREAK sitting in her car taking sexy pictures of herself. This is the person who sits in her room taking pictures of her facing one way, looking the other, and pursing her lips. So hot!

At any rate. This is the type of person who is an embarrassment to America and its educational system. 1st, she has a child and posts how much she loves her and 5 minutes later how she can't wait to go to the club. This is someone with a bachelors and apparently on her way to a masters in something but is incapable of spelling basic english words or having a grammatically correct sentence. Not to mention, she genuinely believes this apocalyptic sign she saw.

BUT, I mustn't let people like that get to me. I'm better than that, and after all I choose to keep these people around. But, I just can't bring myself to delete them all for one reason or another that I wont get into. Not to mention I probably am that guy to plenty of people.

Hopefully you enjoyed this. Its another one NOT about YourSecretary. BUT I have plenty of great material so I promise one is on the way. Just thinking about her exhausts me. But, today, I realized that I need to get on my game. No one wants to read this boring bullshit anyway.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Old Houses. My AC is full blast, as the summer is upon us (apparently) which means 1 thing. My basement bedroom is a freezer. The entire house is ridiculously hot, but down here, I have to wear a hoody and pants to bed. But, the problem is, it gets just as cold in the winter time. I end up picking outfits based on my room temperature and keep over dressing. Im not smart enough to not do that damnit!

Now Playing: Who You Are by Jessie J. ..... i ADORE this song, absolutely obsessed. Check it out!

Spiders in the Shower!

So, this morning I woke up for another miserable week of work. Well, miserable is a strong word. Its not the work I hate... Its the having to be somewhere at a certain time and HAVING to go everyday. I want to be an heiress.

At any rate. When I was going to take a shower a saw a tiny spider on the wall towards the top. Now, this isn't the first time I saw this spider. I saw it Saturday when I took a shower. The WHOLE time I was showering I would look up at that damn spider. Every 5 seconds, "is it still there?" As if the spider would come near me and this waterfall of death. Not to mention it was tiny. But Im a little bitch and was scared that for some reason this would be that one spider Ive never heard of thats fiercely poisonous and would jump of the wall and bite my face. But, this morning, I WASNT taking any chances and I killed that sucker.

Why are we so scared of these damn bugs? I think its the odd or unknown. These bugs I guess are creepy because they don't look like a person or pet? They're small and crawl on walls and have a reputation of biting. But, overall, they're probably the least dangerous of things we can come across. Im more scared of the exorcist little girl and heights. But, in that moment we cant help but be scared.

See what I did there at the end. I took this RANDOM boring story from my life and made it relatable to other people. I realize half way through that when I thought about this blog would be witty and awesome, I was probably wrong. I'm trying to branch out, not write ALL about YourSecretary or my mother. Surely I can make other things funny? Right?

Now Playing- Another Way to Die by Alicia Keys and Jack White

Pet Peeve of the Day - Back to the bathroom... I have been sick and I havent left the house in 4 days. Yesterday I took it upon myself to do something... make something of this weekend, so I was going to clean my bathroom. So, I got my supplies together then realized my swiffer wet pad things werent wet and therefore unusable. So I would have to save the floors for another day. I cleaned the toilet and let the bowl cleaning stuff sit, like I was supposed to. But, unfortunately I put the lid down and forgot about it. I went to scrub the tub, and the brush I had didnt fit in the corners... dumbass.

So my pet peeve of the day is cleaning bathrooms I HATE IT!

YourSecretary Experience: What Happened!/ Things I dont Understand pt2

Well hello faithful and loving audience. It has been such a gosh darn long time since I posted something. Ive gotten lazy and tired. But, I figured since Im home with the bubonic plague, I should be able to post at least ONE blog. I mean I owe it to you guy. Yes, guy. So....

Besides just generally not understanding YourSecretary. I don't understand how her brain works. She's histrionic as a motherfucker 24/7. But THE SECOND someone new comes in. It changes. We had a training at my place of employment, and a friend from another part of town/state came to said training. This is someone who has a thorough knowledge of YourSecretary. She is likely 1/5 readers, not to mention the frequent facebook status updates in which I mention her. So, this friend comes and we begin training. Break 1 comes and, a coworker happens to need to go back to her desk, so my friend and I escort her... hoping that just bychance we happen to see her. Alas, she is nowhere to be found. Our supervisor was at the training which means that YourSecretary doesn't even pretend to "work." Friend and I go upstairs to get a drink come back and STILL nothing. I'm not too worried about it though because we've got lunch and another break to go.

At this point, we walk back to training and right back as it starts this faint cackle can be heard. I though it might be something, but it was coming from the lobby and... it could've been anything. Then the faint cackle becomes a emphysema filled cough, that I SUPPOSE could be called a laugh. Luckily, I was able to alert my friend quickly enough so that should could enjoy that brief moment. ... Later that day while we left for lunch, YourSecretary was blocking the door with her crusty ass cigarette hand. But, then she moved and was not awful. That was the extent.... THAT WAS IT.

WHAT THE HECK!

Having read the other posts, you'd think that I could squeeze out an ounce of loud talking, maybe a credit card digit.... a faint smell of disgusting fish. But, nothing. I just don't understand how she could show such restraint.

But, here you go for other things I dont understand. We covered Lil Kim's new face the other day. So, I guess there's no need for that.

1- This 4 square tip:

So, tips are typically, "Try the mashed potatoes, the gravy is great" or "Say it's your first time and you get a free donut.".... but not some trashy as sex talk about getting boned by a winner at target. Thanks FourSquare for another place where I can feel inadequate AND where I can be grossed out by the human race.

2- Kesha.... excuse me Ke-dollar sign-ha. Her music BLOWS, she talks like her blowy music, also... her music video for the aptly named "Blow" features a laser fight between her and James Van Der Beek in which they are at a cocktail party with unicorns who bleed rainbows. Think that's an absurd, nonsensical sentence? Imagine watching it! Hopefully you wont have to leave the site to watch the video, but typically with VEVO you have to.

3- Jeans..... man jeans I should say. I know that I should be the very last person who should be saying this, you know the feminist that I am. Because what I am about to say confines those to gender roles. I HATE skinny jeans. To be fair, I dont necessarily want to see girls in skinny jeans either. But I watched american idol for the first time this season, and I saw constantine mablahblah perform and he jeans were just SO.TIGHT. I had already hated them, but this was the final straw.

Ive broken down the skinny jeans trend into 2 categories and I will not associate race, because thats just plain wrong!

a-rock/emo: these are the literally ass tight, no room to breathe, outline of your balls jeans. for example. I suppose some people can pull it off. It just makes me uncomfortable thinking about wearing them. But these jeans arent fat asses.

b-hip hop/lil wayne skinny jeans. See what happens here is that skinny jeans are worn a tad bit below your waste. And by below your waste I mean, the bottom of your underwear has become your waist. I remember when baggy jeans were like 2 inches below your waist, thats one thing I can stand. But this 18 inches shit is ridiculous. It makes you look 2 feet shorter than you actually are. AND you have to walk around with your legs spread extremely far apart... a wobble sort of, so that the pants dont fall down (although they still inevitably do). The one benefit to this, is that I don't see the outline of your balls... thats because your waist is below them.

I should say that, 1-I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fashion sense, I am the antithesis of fashionable. Also, I don't mind skinnier than baggy jeans, because those can be annoying too. However, just leave a tinsy bit of space... and wear them kind close to your waist, and I feel like thats okay. But again. Dont take my advice, I suck at this kind of thing. But, seriously, why wear a belt?

So that being said, I don't get a lot. I kinda suck that way/am way too judgmental for my own good and will therefore burn in hell.

moving on...

Pet Peeve of the day: Do I need to .... im gonna go ahead and say the downfall of music, and images of musicians. Kesha and skinny jeans blow.

Now Playing- Infinity Guitars by Sleigh Bells

but I couldn't leave you without a clip from the HILARIOUS Donald Trump Roast, it was fucking hilarious. Its of snoop dogg. But can I just point out that 1-The Situation TANKED. He was awful... and 2- larry king was hilarious, when discussing snoop dogg "You're 71% black, that means 29% not guilty"

Things I just don't understand.

So, I am totally not posting as much as I'd like. But, I also am lazy and exhausted a lot of the time. I have a YourSecretary Experience in mind. However, I feel like it borders on bullying, and we wouldn't want that. Is posting a voice recording I managed to snag from her taking it a step too far? I'm also worried that my written interpretations may be devalued and it can be disappointing when you meet the legend (or hear it) for the first time. I continue to weigh these decisions and maybe one day. But, inside the cold dark hole in my chest there is a sliver of a heart.

At any rate, here are some things I just don't understand that maybe you can help me out with?

1- The following commercial:

So, when you think of commercials for baby products, they have to be catered towards parents, no? I mean... the babies can't tell their parents they want the diapers. Well, I guess certain ones can but... still. I kind of feel like Luvs is trying to make me feel stupid? Also, what a m-fing disgusting theme for a commercial. Its just all such nonesense. I just don't get it.

That being said I watch it whenever it's on tv and I kind of get it.

2- Gentrification:

Now, don't get me wrong... I know what gentrification IS. However, I just dont get how it happens; how it gets started. Who is that first gay white man to move into the hood and bring all the other hippies/hipsters with them? What balls it must take to be the first one. If I were to be a gentrifier, I would have to come in WAY late in the game. I want to be clear also, I don't know that I'm okay with gentrification. Its a nice idea to revitalize neighborhoods and all that. But, wouldn't you want to empower the impoverished communities and let them enjoy the revitalization. I'll just stick to living with my parents until I die a single cat lady.

3-

I'll give you $5 if you can tell me who that is.

I don't get it. Why lil kim... WHY. I guess I never really liked you, and that face pushes me over to team Nicki for sure. I just miss the Kim we all knew and... knew. Im scared... for you.... I guess and OF you. Work on that.

Now Playing: ET - Katy Perry (shoot me now I like a katy perry song).

Pet Peeve of the Day: My OTHER coworker's ignorance.

This particular coworker is in another unit separated by a pretend wall thats like 4.5 feet high. In the course of like.... an hour, I heard just a whole bunch of ignorance babbled. First she asked why the earthquake in Japan and subsequent tsunami cause the stock market to fall. significantly. She hadn't the slightest idea. She racked her brain while I desperately held my tongue. She decided then that... it's corruption. This b blamed it... and every problem wrong with everything ever on corruption. She couldn't understand why unrest in libya and egypt caused gas to go up, on no wait she could, it was that gosh darn corruption.

This wonderful person then went on to ask why Japan was so devastated by the earthquake and tsunami... because they should have seen it coming. She couldn't understand why it was so devastating. Well lady, tsunami formed as a result of the earthquake that was not predictable. Didn't you know about that "earthquake" we had a while back? Oh you didnt, why not?

Then she told me it was a sign of 2012 coming and the world is ending... in as serious a voice as she could.

Thats when I decided to put on my ipod.

The YourSecretary Experience: Gift Horse

So, let’s set the scene (cue Law & Order voiceover guy). Friday February 25, 2011. The sky outside is ominous, as if it knows what’s going to happen. The rain is falling down against the nearly floor to ceiling window behind her desk. Sitting daintily YourSecretary is on her work phone with her business voice on. Its 8:15am and The Pelz walks in….

I know you liked that, I should write for the moving picture shows! I got to work at 8:15 and I am greeted with a phone conversation at the end of our unit. From what I gathered, YourSecretary was on the phone with the Metro Access driver complaining about her FREE ride to work. Now, Metro Access is a transportation service for people who have some sort of disability that prevents them from driving or taking the bus. For the life of us, my coworkers and I can’t figure out what it’s for. At any rate, she gets a ride to work every morning. Now, I only got to hear her end of the conversation, as she was on the phone. But, here’s what I got to enjoy…. All alone in the unit….

First, I called at 645, you didn’t get there until 730! Okay.

[Rasp]First, I had bags in my hand and he just [Rasp] [Rasp] watched my carry those bags [Rasp]….. in the rain I just carried my bags!

I got in the car [Rasp] I got in the car [Rasp] and he didn’t ask to help with my belt. [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] he didn’t even ask! He didn’t ask if I needed help, he didn’t look back to check if I had it on. [Rasp] He just let me go the whole ride without my seat belt on [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] you know, you know.

Yeah [Rasp] and when we pulled he went past the stairs, you know. [Rasp] [Rasp]He went past those stairs, you know? I asked him to back up. Girl, you know what he said! [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Cough] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Cough] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp]He said, ‘I don’t care about you people’ that’s right heh- [Rasp]-heh- [Rasp]-heh. He said, he don’t care about us people. I said to the man, I said, you know, ‘you may not care about us [Rasp]but we don’t care about you either!’ [Rasp] [Rasp]

Right, yeah, you know. Then he just took off. He just [Rasp] took off like a bat outta hell. heh- [Rasp]-heh- [Rasp]-heh. That’s right, that’s right.

[Rasp] [Rasp] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp]

[Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp][Cough]

Uhhh, I don’t know what his name was. I don’t know. But, he was African. [Cough] [Cough] [Rasp] You know those Africans. You know how they are, those Africans. He[Cough] [Cough][Rasp] [Cough] [Cough] He was driving one of those black cars, a car not a bus thing, you know. Yeah girl, with Metro Access sticker.

You know what he said to me, he said [Cough][Rasp] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp] he said that he can’t stand us people. I [Rasp]told him, we don’t like him either.

The end!

But, just in case, she also told a coworker that the weathermen don’t know anything because they’re not Jesus. Then she actually said “girl, you better recognize”

So in summation: She was especially raspy this day, must've smoked a little more than her usual pack before work. She works out 5 days a week for 3 hours every time. Yet, she can’t carry 3 grocery bags and buckle her seatbelt. One day on the way to work, I saw her walking down a street a mile or more away so that she could buy her breakfast. Yet, she can't drive or take the bus to work? I think that may be a little false. That’s cool though, more power to her. Side note, what are Africans like, YourSecretary? Please enlighten me, or maybe I should tell one of the many Africans that work with us and see what they think about that statement?

I just wish she wouldn't take this FREE SERVICE that she probably doesn't need, and take advantage of it; take services away from possible deserving members of the community. I wish she wouldn't look this gift horse in the mouth. Pretty soon it's going to bit her in her ass.

Now Playing: Zef Side - Die Antwoord

Fucking love this shit. Wanna thank my old roommate Dick for introducing me to them last year (way behind everyone else but whatever). I just read an interview with them in some magazine and they were so amazingly arrogant. They're fucking ridiculous, south african rappers? you should see the video for "Enter the Ninja" SO TRIPPY. My 2 favorite parts: When Ninja says "PC Computer" and when they zoom in on his wang. Priceless.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Podcasts and Apps that are over 20 mb.

I constantly find myself trying to download the latest episode of a podcast or some super cool free game to occupy my boredom time. I usually find that I do this whilst at work because, thats better than working (that being said, I still do an exorbitant amount of work in comparison to some). But, since I do it at work, I'm not connected to any kind of WiFi. This in turn means that I can't download anything over 20mb. It BLOWS... so super annoying. I forget when I get home to download it, then the next day at work I try to use it and forget. God it rives me crazy.

Talk Sing

So, I was at the gym this morning, and I go before the morning shows on the radio start. At the early hour they play a lot of random older awesomeness. This morning I heard Freak Me by Silk (1993):

I'd be lying if I told you I didn't sing along super loud to the entire thing... And I mean sing, as in the chorus. I did that because I don't know the versus where they talk the words. I really like it when they sing-talk and grunt at the end of every line... like they're in the midst of sexing when singing it. I dig it. But, is that considered rap? I don't want to say its rap just because they're black. But, it certainly isn't singing. So I wondered, thats when I remembered this awesome video:

This is what I'm talking about... sing talk (I didn't want to steal the title for my blog. See how I cleverly flip flopped the words? Like on Law and Order when they don't want to pay facebook so they call it "facespace" or "facepad" or whatever). So, maybe that's what silk is doing in that song because they're kind of talking to music. BUT, on the Eastern Shore black radio station they play Kesha so...... maybe it is just rap after all.

Speaking of singing... Im watching last nights American Idol and I gotta say I'm frustrated. They seem to be letting people through with bullshit talent. This one chubby 15 year old boy they let through despite forgetting the words probably because he's a loner and people will like his story or whatever. But they sent every single other person home who forgot the words. Stupid. But, my biggest anger of all is this one toolbag who sings adam lambart like, so by sing I mean yell at you. He can't sing really but he yells exceptionally well. He has, apparently, a super sad story and for that he keeps moving on. Let me just let you know about this "sad" story. He had a child young with his girlfriend and now he lost his job and they're struggling. Wow, that is tremendously rare especially in these strong economic times... CAUCASIAN PLEASE! You're just one of a ridiculously large amount of people in your place or worse. Your story is more common I think than uncommon. I worked at a homeless shelter for 2 years, when you get there maybe we'll talk. And take that gd scarf or bandana or whatever out of your pocket.

on that note:

Now Playing: With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Crocker version a la Wonder Years

Pet Peeve of the Day: The effing snow. So, last weekend all the reports were saying the precipitation would be rain. So, stupidly I used my free car wash coupon to get a car wash... then it called for snow, and snowed like 2 inches or something stupid. This means snow galore. Snow galore means my car is no longer blue, it is now white and disgusting. THANKS MOTHER NATURE, asshole. I just cleaned Pearl... god. Also, I was gone this morning from like 4:45am to 6am and in that time a mother effing car took my spot. Who the hell comes home at that time on a Wednesday night? I can't wait to save up enough money to blow this popsicle stand!

The YourSecretary Experience: Better Than Sex

So, I've officially found a title for my series on YourSecretary... you remember her right? Well, because it appears as though it will be an ongoing saga, it needs a title and I liked YourSecretary Experiance... Because its quite the experience every time you have to interact with her....

So today's installment is titled "Better Than Sex." ... Yeah........................................ I'm sure you can already tell this is going great places. This is just a day in the life of YourSecretary and her humble minions (yours truly). Let me just preface this by saying that on one fateful day I went to (we'll call her "S") S's desk. S keeps candy on her desk so that when the coworkers get stressed (which at this job you inevitably do) they can stop by for a mini break and get some yummy candy. Ok, so I stop by and see S and am talking about work related things, NOT for candy. All of the sudden in swoops YourSecretary, on the prowl; nothing will stand in her way. She eyes the candy and there just isn't any getting between her and her prey. I happened to be standing in front of the candy and Im a big person so I suppose? it may have been difficult for anyone to reach over and get candy. So.... in YourSecretary swoops, throws her left arm in front of me grabbing for the candy and pushing me back. All of the sudden I find myself talking over YourSecretary to S in an effort to get the vital information I seek. All I hear is ruffling of wrappers, YourSecretary scrounging for the perfect piece(s) of candy. It reminded me a little of a squirrel burrowing a hole looking for the acorn it burried a week ago combined with a 7 year old child collecting as much candy from the pinata as they could. So, moral of that story, she knocked my ass back to get to some funsize candy bars.

with that being said, let me bring you back to this day, a Friday, do the least amount of work mood (even more that usual) is in the air. It's about 8:30, not very many people have come in yet and in walks (who w will call "B"). B brought in a cake that her mother got for her and sent from her home town to share with everyone. So B asks YourSecretary numerous times if she wanted some. But, she kept saying no apparently? I walked in after this seemed to have happen... oh no wait! I didn't she just wanted to pretend it had been a long battle. B asked her once she said nothing so that B would have to ask her again, but she never did. So, a piece of this cake is brought over to YourSecretary and out of nowehere:

[RASP] OH NO GIRL... You asked me before and I told you I don't want none. Girrrllll, you know I don't eat sweats. [cough]heh[cough]heh

So... she doesn't eat sweats? I was mistaken when she rushed like a football player to get some fun-fucking-size candy.

So... fast forward to like 1030ish. S comes around with one of her Better Than Sex cakes. At this point I have my earphones on so I can't hear what S, or any normal volume of speech. They're talking about something and all I hear is:

It's a myth....

[no response]

That's just a myth S. You know that. It's a myth ...... [10 seconds pass]... It's a myth, girl a myth.

S:Yeah, that's what I was just saying.

[rasp] Yeah girl, you know it ain't true. [rasp] I heard that name of that cake girl, and I thought: that's a myth. Girl you know that ain't the truth. [rasp][rasp][rasp][rasp] Girl when you got a husband, like I do, thats a myth. Girrrrrrrrrl.

[S walks away and is around the corner nearly down the hall]

[rasp][rasp] Girl [rasp][rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp]. Girrrrllllll, heh, you know when you married like I am that ain't true, ain't nothing like it.

Yes, okay YourSecretary. I see you have a husband. It also appears as though you have had sex with him. In fact, that picture of your daughter that you keep open and stare at for hours at end, hoping that someone..... anyone will just take a split second to look. One glance thats all you ask, so that they can be amazed by her beauty and ask you who she is, some attention is all you crave.... oh lord, sorry I went off on a tangent. That daughter, in addition to the other child you have who you speak to constantly at work with the ghettoest (ghettoist?) of names; those things suggest that you have in fact had sex at least twice in your life.

But! Just in case you weren't sure, 1:30pm rolls along, just in the nick of time. Just as I was forgetting the idea that YourSecretary had had sex. Finally letting that go. Our GD supervisor got a piece of that damn cake. YourSecretary had at this point already had a piece (or probably 7... im a fat ass too, who am i to judge). All of sudden:

[rasp] Hey [supervisor's name, twice] [rasp] You try that cake yet? Huh, girrllll? You try S's cake yet? [rasp] [cough, cough] You know what it's called right?

[maybe like 2 minutes pass]

[rasp] You know the name of that cake don't you, girrrl, I know you know. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's wrong [supervisor's name]. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's so wrong. It's good, [rasp] [supervisor's name] but it ain't the truth. [rasp] No way. [rasp] Ain't nothing better. When you got a husband like I do. When you're married like me. It ain't true, girrrlllll. I got a husband, [rasp] ain't nothing better. That cake ain't.

So, I apologize if that is hard to understand. I just hope I was able to accurately represent her gloriousness. I just don't think I can do it justice!

Lessons learned: YourSecretary doesn't eat sweats ever, except on days that end with Y, usually. Also, YourSecreatary has had sex and it was better than those pieces of cake that she had.

You're Welcome!

Now Playing: Nan, You're a Window Shopper - Lily Allen

Pet Peeve of The Day:

That is a half eaten plum... and some random cheese shreds.... on my counter.

Celebrating Black History Month Part 2: The White People Who Can't

So... is this where it gets racist.... Maybe I should rephrase this as "tools in media." Those who think that they have a black card maybe but don't. Those who think they can identify with the hip hop community but have no place to say they do. At the end of the day, most of these people have been WAY more successful than I'll ever be so... how mean can this actually be. On that note:

1- Justin Beiber

I think I just have an overall hatred for Bieber... he's a white kid from toronto who all of the sudden has street cred? Just because you were discovered by Usher and have an oddly creepy relationship with him... means nothing. If he would just pull up his pants... maybe I could like him. Just to your waist, thats all Im asking. Ugh I hate this new pants trend lil wayne started....

2-Sarai

(this may not work on this site, but it's the only video I could find)

This may be my very favorite. Its the summer of 2003 (although I have to admit i thought it happened in the 90's). You're enjoying some great music like 50 cent's debut and the debut of Justin Timberlake's solo career. I know it seems like so long ago! But, remember if you can this gem of a song that surely got the party started. I'm pretty sure Sarai is a swedish woman pretending to be from new york. I can't put my finger on it but I cant think she's authentic. But, I love the flashback.

3- Justin Timberlake

And on that note! The one and only. I'll have to admit, I was team NSYNC growing up. I loved them, I did. But, towards the end of their reign, things got a little weird. Some of them (justin) stopped identifying with their key demographic and tried something new. This picture of homeboy in cornrows should be enough, what.a.tool. When he came out with his solo shit, I was devastated. I could no longer take him seriously with his hip hop swag or whatever the f. There was this special on VH1 "Ego Trip's Race-O-Rama." They gave ghetto passes (or black cards) to various people like my man Bill Clinton, and took them away from people like the one and only JT.... couldn't agree more!

4- Asher Roth

Look at how he handles that mic? He wrote a fucking rap about being preppy and in college... fail right there... can't stand the fake swag on this guy.

OHMYGOD i think my head just exploded.

5- George Bush

Let me just say this has nothing to do with my politics. BUT.... I mean, Kanye said he doesn't like black people.... and if his holiness Kanye says it... well it must be true. I don't make all the rules, but I have to follow them!

1:30 mark is where it gets good. Most awkward video EVER.

Hmm, I'm a little disappointed with my list... not quite as funny as I'd hoped. Don't worry though, I have my next post planned and it is going to be AWESOME.

Now Playing: All of the Lights - Kanye featuring everyone in the world.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Left Lane driving.... So if you're in the left lane of a smaller street and you're going 60, I can certainly let it slide. But, on the motherfucking capitol beltway. Not allowed. I have to take the beltway to work every single day and I ALWAYS end up in the left lane stuck behind someone going like 61 mph... thats what the right lane is for assholes. I shouldn't have to pass anyone in the left lane... its the fast lane OR the passing lane for fuck sakes.... move over, jesus. I was looking at the mat in my car the other day, and Ive worn away the carpet underneath the break and gas pedal... not because of constantly slamming on my breaks... but from getting frustrated and taking it out on my carpet... thanks drivers of the dc metro area (I REFUSE to say DMV)... you're ruining my car! Jerks!

Celebrating Black History Month: Those White People That Can.

So, in an effort to celebrate black history month... and national bird-feeding month, I would like to bring you this part 1 of 2 installments of Celebrating Black History Month. In this installment I would like to shed light on the white people who are allowed to celebrate it. Now, I know what you're saying, "Erika you're a racist." But, before you come to that likely accurate conclusion,hear me out. First, I'm half black and half white so, I'm allowed. Secondly,thisparticular post is about praising people who have helped black people, or sound black, orcan blend in well with them? Come on, you all know what I'm talking about. So with That, here we go:

1- First, when initially suggesting this blog post, Alison immediately nominated herself, I suppose I can allow that. She is 1 of 3 readers... also it's been brought to my attention and then beaten into my head that Color Me Badd (emphasis on the second "d") must... MUST be on this list so there you have it.

2- Eminem:

Is there really a need for an explanation on this. He's Eminem. Probably the best, definitely the most successful white rapper. I think perhaps Donnie Whalberg (?) and all of New Kids? in their prime maybe... and Marky Mark when he was with the funky bunch. But, by far the best is Eminem.

3- Joss Stone

I tried to get a better video, but stupid youtube.... Joss Stone is this tiny little British Blonde woman girl person who actually has this amazingly powerful black lady voice. Her first albumwas all covers of mostly classic R&B songs plus that White Stripes song "Fell in Love with a Girl."

4- Pink

I say pink for that picture above. She will forever have Black History Month status because of "Can't Take Me Home" her first album. How hood was she then!? and she pulled it off! Also, her second album was called "M!ssundaztood." I mean come on. Also, she's from Philadelphia.

5-Jon B

Come on, do I really need to say why. The 90's would have sucked without him!

6-Michael McDonald

I needed to keep the theme of video, picture, video so I didn't post a video of him. But, you'll have to trust me. Michael McDonald was definitely a member of the Doobie Brothers, and that combined with his appearance would lead any normal person to question this decision, as he may look like the whites person EVER. But, he made two solo albums of all Motown music... which is enough in my eyes. I love the man, and I won't keep it a secret.

7- Anastacia (skip to 30 seconds for the intro and interview and 1:45 for the song)

Now, I don't know if you guys remember this show from like 2000? But, I LOVED this show, and can we just take a moment of silence for the beloved Left Eye?....... And on that note, another tiny blonde woman with a black lady's voice. Not British, but ironically only famous in Europe.

8- Gary Owen

Ok, well I said picture, video, picture... but I almost forgot to include this, and I love him.

Last, but farthest from least:

9- Bill Clinton

Look at Bill play that saxaphone, this combined with his appearance on Arsenio Hall (not to mention balancing the budget and awesome policy such as welfare reform) made him the actual first black president. Love it

So in conclusion, I really hope I didn't offend anyone with my blog posts. I would like to think itisn't ACTUALLY seen asracist, and I hope the 3 people who read it, get it. But, as a disclaimer, I love all people!

Now Playing: I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Pet Peeve of the Day: The New T-Mobile Commercials:

So above is the new theme of the T-Mobile Commercials. On the left is the iPhone and the right is... whatever phone T-Mobile has.

Below is the long running (hopefully soon to return) Apple (maker of iPhone) Computer commercials

see any similarities? They are both in all white rooms with one person representing the advertised product on the right and another incompetent always failing person representing the competing product on the left. The only difference is T-Mobile has some girl representing them and Justin Long for the Apple commercials.

These commercials are literally the same thing except one for apple and one shitting all over apple. SO, I am just curious as to how no stink has been raised about this yet? I feel like some sort of infringement has taken place. The lack of originality kind of infuriates me.... but that may be partially because I have an iPhone... but I promise that isn't the main reason!

Oops!

How could I forget my new features!? Also, Im upset at my computer so it fits perfectly...

Now Playing: Shark in the Water - VV Brown

Pet Peeve of the Day:

Windows update. (disclaimer: If I could afford a macbook, you bet your ass I would have one). I didn't see any indication while ON the computer that it needed to be updated. But, I guess it can only be updated at 3 in the morning...I say this because at 3 this morning I wake up to a bright light and loud ass noise because my computer updated. So that was awesome. Also, now my computer is telling me that there are new updates available... NO THERE ARE NOT. Come the fuck on.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond... to the copy room.

The topic of this particular post, is something that I am sure will come up time and time again. Especially once I can get the audio on my phone to work right. I used my phones video record feature to try and record this person speaking, but the sound is too low. You, my loyal fan and audience, would have to turn the sound up way to high and barely hear anything. But I can try and recreate it for you... let me set the scene:

Office building in the middle of a unit that is separated from the other units by a 5 foot wall.... at the end of the unit sits a goddess... or the antithesis of that, a demonness? Her weave is done up "nicely" shes an older lady, the kind that looks 60 but is probably 40. She's sitting at her desk that faces all others in the unit and therefore seems to project the loudest (or that could just be the voice behind it). We call her... "YourSecretary." Who she actually belongs to, we may never known. She is on her cell phone, because of course the supervisor isn't there... no need to pretend to be working by talking to your friend on the work phone. There is no telling what is being said on the other end, all you hear is:

"Rasp Rasp Rasp. Rasp, Rasp Rasp Rasp Rasp. Girrrrrrl, you know"

(pause)

[Raspy cough][Hacks up a lung and all the mucus known to man][Raspy Cough]

(pause)

"No girrrl. I aint got no cold. Nooo my throat just itches"

[Raspy throat clearing]

"No, its not a cold. My throat just itches sometimes, girl, you know.

(pause)

[clearly cutting them off]"Well you know my daughter she makes all kinds of noises. But, girl, I can't do all that. So I just cough cuz it itches."

[Raspy throat clear] [Raspy cough][More awesome mucus]

"Raspity Rasp Rasp Rasp"

So, I know my literary interpretation may not do it justice but hopefully there will be literal representations soon.

and on that note I want to show you something, and you tell me what you think could have happened. See below (my apologies for the green dot, thats just a dirty lens)

So... what would you venture that is. It is far away so it might be difficult to tell.

Ok I'll tell you. 1st, the room that this picture takes place in is the copy room; so a room with a copier, shredder, and lots of paper. Ok, now, the original shape this paper product takes could be compared to a "u" or an "o"... now if you can just imagine in your head something that has that shape that's made out of paper. Next thing you need to know is that directly across the hall (2-3 steps away) is the women's bathroom. Lastly, this involves YourSecretary so you know, anything goes!!! Ok, so let's retrace the steps of said person. Bathroom to a supervisor's office, to the copy room to her desk. So, if you haven't guess by now, thats right, it's the paper seat cover from the bathroom.... on the floor.... that was witness by a reliable source as being seen tucked into the pants of YourSecretary.

So, I sympathize whole heartedly with YourSecretary. Really, I do. As I sit here writing this, I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for sharing this. I have my insecurities, and I have a phobia of public humiliation. So, like I said, I sympathize. But then... then I remember back to hearing the word "faggot" repeated over and over while she was on the phone my 7th day on the job. I also remember her getting a call about a case that would be mine but not getting it for 2 hours and royally fucking me over. And I remember hearing "I'M A CLERK, NOT A SECRETARY" (or vice versa, i really don't remember). And all these memories combined with her killing of the ozone layer with her 2 pack a day habit and desire to empty entire aerosol cans of lysol to kill roaches. I remember those things and I don't quite feel so bad. AND to top it all off... she takes the shit out of her pants (metaphorical shit that is) and leaves it in the fucking copy room... THE COPY ROOM. She pushed it behind the door so maybe no one would see it, but if they did surely it was someone else. She couldn't walk the 3 steps across the hall to the bathroom where the damn thing came from. So at the end of the day, I only have a sliver of remorse and regret at posting this.

I don't know when this post became a bitchfest... but bitching is what I do best so, there you have it.

Big Plans, Big Plans

Since I know I have so many fans (2-3) that I force to read this blog by throwing it in their face on twitter and facebook. I've been thinking and making plans for the future of this glorious literary gem. Ive decided to add 2 essentials to every post.

1- Pet Peeve of the day. Now it's not of the day everyday because let's face it, the only things I do every day are eat, sleep, go to the bathroom.... breathe, shower... ok a lot of things but not blog. So its really just pet peeve of the time period since I last wrote something, which with my track record may be every 6 months. But, I figure since I have so much hate in my cold black heart for people and situations... I might as well add comedy and share it with the world! So.......

Pet Peeve of the Day!

Brights/Bright headlights/high beams 1st edition. I have a feeling a lot of the pet peeves will involve driving, and brights. This edition of brights is in reference to the man behind me this morning on the way home from the gym. Dear Sir or Madam, there is no need for your exceptionally bright lights to be on while you are behind me on COLESVILLE ROAD. Colesville doesn't have trees to block the moon light and it has street lamps like every 5 inches... I think you'll be okay with just plan old headlights. I think the world would benefit from me NOT being blind while driving. Thanks

2- My second staple? of blogging is a cliche post, and it is "now playing." A song I like and want to share with the world. This way I can be a tool and look like I'm hip based on the various types of music I like, especially those that aren't on the radio. How cool will I look? So...

Now Playing

"Dancing on My Own" by Robyn