Talk Sing

So, I was at the gym this morning, and I go before the morning shows on the radio start. At the early hour they play a lot of random older awesomeness. This morning I heard Freak Me by Silk (1993):

I'd be lying if I told you I didn't sing along super loud to the entire thing... And I mean sing, as in the chorus. I did that because I don't know the versus where they talk the words. I really like it when they sing-talk and grunt at the end of every line... like they're in the midst of sexing when singing it. I dig it. But, is that considered rap? I don't want to say its rap just because they're black. But, it certainly isn't singing. So I wondered, thats when I remembered this awesome video:

This is what I'm talking about... sing talk (I didn't want to steal the title for my blog. See how I cleverly flip flopped the words? Like on Law and Order when they don't want to pay facebook so they call it "facespace" or "facepad" or whatever). So, maybe that's what silk is doing in that song because they're kind of talking to music. BUT, on the Eastern Shore black radio station they play Kesha so...... maybe it is just rap after all.

Speaking of singing... Im watching last nights American Idol and I gotta say I'm frustrated. They seem to be letting people through with bullshit talent. This one chubby 15 year old boy they let through despite forgetting the words probably because he's a loner and people will like his story or whatever. But they sent every single other person home who forgot the words. Stupid. But, my biggest anger of all is this one toolbag who sings adam lambart like, so by sing I mean yell at you. He can't sing really but he yells exceptionally well. He has, apparently, a super sad story and for that he keeps moving on. Let me just let you know about this "sad" story. He had a child young with his girlfriend and now he lost his job and they're struggling. Wow, that is tremendously rare especially in these strong economic times... CAUCASIAN PLEASE! You're just one of a ridiculously large amount of people in your place or worse. Your story is more common I think than uncommon. I worked at a homeless shelter for 2 years, when you get there maybe we'll talk. And take that gd scarf or bandana or whatever out of your pocket.

on that note:

Now Playing: With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Crocker version a la Wonder Years

Pet Peeve of the Day: The effing snow. So, last weekend all the reports were saying the precipitation would be rain. So, stupidly I used my free car wash coupon to get a car wash... then it called for snow, and snowed like 2 inches or something stupid. This means snow galore. Snow galore means my car is no longer blue, it is now white and disgusting. THANKS MOTHER NATURE, asshole. I just cleaned Pearl... god. Also, I was gone this morning from like 4:45am to 6am and in that time a mother effing car took my spot. Who the hell comes home at that time on a Wednesday night? I can't wait to save up enough money to blow this popsicle stand!

The YourSecretary Experience: Better Than Sex

So, I've officially found a title for my series on YourSecretary... you remember her right? Well, because it appears as though it will be an ongoing saga, it needs a title and I liked YourSecretary Experiance... Because its quite the experience every time you have to interact with her....

So today's installment is titled "Better Than Sex." ... Yeah........................................ I'm sure you can already tell this is going great places. This is just a day in the life of YourSecretary and her humble minions (yours truly). Let me just preface this by saying that on one fateful day I went to (we'll call her "S") S's desk. S keeps candy on her desk so that when the coworkers get stressed (which at this job you inevitably do) they can stop by for a mini break and get some yummy candy. Ok, so I stop by and see S and am talking about work related things, NOT for candy. All of the sudden in swoops YourSecretary, on the prowl; nothing will stand in her way. She eyes the candy and there just isn't any getting between her and her prey. I happened to be standing in front of the candy and Im a big person so I suppose? it may have been difficult for anyone to reach over and get candy. So.... in YourSecretary swoops, throws her left arm in front of me grabbing for the candy and pushing me back. All of the sudden I find myself talking over YourSecretary to S in an effort to get the vital information I seek. All I hear is ruffling of wrappers, YourSecretary scrounging for the perfect piece(s) of candy. It reminded me a little of a squirrel burrowing a hole looking for the acorn it burried a week ago combined with a 7 year old child collecting as much candy from the pinata as they could. So, moral of that story, she knocked my ass back to get to some funsize candy bars.

with that being said, let me bring you back to this day, a Friday, do the least amount of work mood (even more that usual) is in the air. It's about 8:30, not very many people have come in yet and in walks (who w will call "B"). B brought in a cake that her mother got for her and sent from her home town to share with everyone. So B asks YourSecretary numerous times if she wanted some. But, she kept saying no apparently? I walked in after this seemed to have happen... oh no wait! I didn't she just wanted to pretend it had been a long battle. B asked her once she said nothing so that B would have to ask her again, but she never did. So, a piece of this cake is brought over to YourSecretary and out of nowehere:

[RASP] OH NO GIRL... You asked me before and I told you I don't want none. Girrrllll, you know I don't eat sweats. [cough]heh[cough]heh

So... she doesn't eat sweats? I was mistaken when she rushed like a football player to get some fun-fucking-size candy.

So... fast forward to like 1030ish. S comes around with one of her Better Than Sex cakes. At this point I have my earphones on so I can't hear what S, or any normal volume of speech. They're talking about something and all I hear is:

It's a myth....

[no response]

That's just a myth S. You know that. It's a myth ...... [10 seconds pass]... It's a myth, girl a myth.

S:Yeah, that's what I was just saying.

[rasp] Yeah girl, you know it ain't true. [rasp] I heard that name of that cake girl, and I thought: that's a myth. Girl you know that ain't the truth. [rasp][rasp][rasp][rasp] Girl when you got a husband, like I do, thats a myth. Girrrrrrrrrl.

[S walks away and is around the corner nearly down the hall]

[rasp][rasp] Girl [rasp][rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp]. Girrrrllllll, heh, you know when you married like I am that ain't true, ain't nothing like it.

Yes, okay YourSecretary. I see you have a husband. It also appears as though you have had sex with him. In fact, that picture of your daughter that you keep open and stare at for hours at end, hoping that someone..... anyone will just take a split second to look. One glance thats all you ask, so that they can be amazed by her beauty and ask you who she is, some attention is all you crave.... oh lord, sorry I went off on a tangent. That daughter, in addition to the other child you have who you speak to constantly at work with the ghettoest (ghettoist?) of names; those things suggest that you have in fact had sex at least twice in your life.

But! Just in case you weren't sure, 1:30pm rolls along, just in the nick of time. Just as I was forgetting the idea that YourSecretary had had sex. Finally letting that go. Our GD supervisor got a piece of that damn cake. YourSecretary had at this point already had a piece (or probably 7... im a fat ass too, who am i to judge). All of sudden:

[rasp] Hey [supervisor's name, twice] [rasp] You try that cake yet? Huh, girrllll? You try S's cake yet? [rasp] [cough, cough] You know what it's called right?

[maybe like 2 minutes pass]

[rasp] You know the name of that cake don't you, girrrl, I know you know. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's wrong [supervisor's name]. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's so wrong. It's good, [rasp] [supervisor's name] but it ain't the truth. [rasp] No way. [rasp] Ain't nothing better. When you got a husband like I do. When you're married like me. It ain't true, girrrlllll. I got a husband, [rasp] ain't nothing better. That cake ain't.

So, I apologize if that is hard to understand. I just hope I was able to accurately represent her gloriousness. I just don't think I can do it justice!

Lessons learned: YourSecretary doesn't eat sweats ever, except on days that end with Y, usually. Also, YourSecreatary has had sex and it was better than those pieces of cake that she had.

You're Welcome!

Now Playing: Nan, You're a Window Shopper - Lily Allen

Pet Peeve of The Day:

That is a half eaten plum... and some random cheese shreds.... on my counter.

Celebrating Black History Month Part 2: The White People Who Can't

So... is this where it gets racist.... Maybe I should rephrase this as "tools in media." Those who think that they have a black card maybe but don't. Those who think they can identify with the hip hop community but have no place to say they do. At the end of the day, most of these people have been WAY more successful than I'll ever be so... how mean can this actually be. On that note:

1- Justin Beiber

I think I just have an overall hatred for Bieber... he's a white kid from toronto who all of the sudden has street cred? Just because you were discovered by Usher and have an oddly creepy relationship with him... means nothing. If he would just pull up his pants... maybe I could like him. Just to your waist, thats all Im asking. Ugh I hate this new pants trend lil wayne started....

2-Sarai

(this may not work on this site, but it's the only video I could find)

This may be my very favorite. Its the summer of 2003 (although I have to admit i thought it happened in the 90's). You're enjoying some great music like 50 cent's debut and the debut of Justin Timberlake's solo career. I know it seems like so long ago! But, remember if you can this gem of a song that surely got the party started. I'm pretty sure Sarai is a swedish woman pretending to be from new york. I can't put my finger on it but I cant think she's authentic. But, I love the flashback.

3- Justin Timberlake

And on that note! The one and only. I'll have to admit, I was team NSYNC growing up. I loved them, I did. But, towards the end of their reign, things got a little weird. Some of them (justin) stopped identifying with their key demographic and tried something new. This picture of homeboy in cornrows should be enough, what.a.tool. When he came out with his solo shit, I was devastated. I could no longer take him seriously with his hip hop swag or whatever the f. There was this special on VH1 "Ego Trip's Race-O-Rama." They gave ghetto passes (or black cards) to various people like my man Bill Clinton, and took them away from people like the one and only JT.... couldn't agree more!

4- Asher Roth

Look at how he handles that mic? He wrote a fucking rap about being preppy and in college... fail right there... can't stand the fake swag on this guy.

OHMYGOD i think my head just exploded.

5- George Bush

Let me just say this has nothing to do with my politics. BUT.... I mean, Kanye said he doesn't like black people.... and if his holiness Kanye says it... well it must be true. I don't make all the rules, but I have to follow them!

1:30 mark is where it gets good. Most awkward video EVER.

Hmm, I'm a little disappointed with my list... not quite as funny as I'd hoped. Don't worry though, I have my next post planned and it is going to be AWESOME.

Now Playing: All of the Lights - Kanye featuring everyone in the world.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Left Lane driving.... So if you're in the left lane of a smaller street and you're going 60, I can certainly let it slide. But, on the motherfucking capitol beltway. Not allowed. I have to take the beltway to work every single day and I ALWAYS end up in the left lane stuck behind someone going like 61 mph... thats what the right lane is for assholes. I shouldn't have to pass anyone in the left lane... its the fast lane OR the passing lane for fuck sakes.... move over, jesus. I was looking at the mat in my car the other day, and Ive worn away the carpet underneath the break and gas pedal... not because of constantly slamming on my breaks... but from getting frustrated and taking it out on my carpet... thanks drivers of the dc metro area (I REFUSE to say DMV)... you're ruining my car! Jerks!

Celebrating Black History Month: Those White People That Can.

So, in an effort to celebrate black history month... and national bird-feeding month, I would like to bring you this part 1 of 2 installments of Celebrating Black History Month. In this installment I would like to shed light on the white people who are allowed to celebrate it. Now, I know what you're saying, "Erika you're a racist." But, before you come to that likely accurate conclusion,hear me out. First, I'm half black and half white so, I'm allowed. Secondly,thisparticular post is about praising people who have helped black people, or sound black, orcan blend in well with them? Come on, you all know what I'm talking about. So with That, here we go:

1- First, when initially suggesting this blog post, Alison immediately nominated herself, I suppose I can allow that. She is 1 of 3 readers... also it's been brought to my attention and then beaten into my head that Color Me Badd (emphasis on the second "d") must... MUST be on this list so there you have it.

2- Eminem:

Is there really a need for an explanation on this. He's Eminem. Probably the best, definitely the most successful white rapper. I think perhaps Donnie Whalberg (?) and all of New Kids? in their prime maybe... and Marky Mark when he was with the funky bunch. But, by far the best is Eminem.

3- Joss Stone

I tried to get a better video, but stupid youtube.... Joss Stone is this tiny little British Blonde woman girl person who actually has this amazingly powerful black lady voice. Her first albumwas all covers of mostly classic R&B songs plus that White Stripes song "Fell in Love with a Girl."

4- Pink

I say pink for that picture above. She will forever have Black History Month status because of "Can't Take Me Home" her first album. How hood was she then!? and she pulled it off! Also, her second album was called "M!ssundaztood." I mean come on. Also, she's from Philadelphia.

5-Jon B

Come on, do I really need to say why. The 90's would have sucked without him!

6-Michael McDonald

I needed to keep the theme of video, picture, video so I didn't post a video of him. But, you'll have to trust me. Michael McDonald was definitely a member of the Doobie Brothers, and that combined with his appearance would lead any normal person to question this decision, as he may look like the whites person EVER. But, he made two solo albums of all Motown music... which is enough in my eyes. I love the man, and I won't keep it a secret.

7- Anastacia (skip to 30 seconds for the intro and interview and 1:45 for the song)

Now, I don't know if you guys remember this show from like 2000? But, I LOVED this show, and can we just take a moment of silence for the beloved Left Eye?....... And on that note, another tiny blonde woman with a black lady's voice. Not British, but ironically only famous in Europe.

8- Gary Owen

Ok, well I said picture, video, picture... but I almost forgot to include this, and I love him.

Last, but farthest from least:

9- Bill Clinton

Look at Bill play that saxaphone, this combined with his appearance on Arsenio Hall (not to mention balancing the budget and awesome policy such as welfare reform) made him the actual first black president. Love it

So in conclusion, I really hope I didn't offend anyone with my blog posts. I would like to think itisn't ACTUALLY seen asracist, and I hope the 3 people who read it, get it. But, as a disclaimer, I love all people!

Now Playing: I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Pet Peeve of the Day: The New T-Mobile Commercials:

So above is the new theme of the T-Mobile Commercials. On the left is the iPhone and the right is... whatever phone T-Mobile has.

Below is the long running (hopefully soon to return) Apple (maker of iPhone) Computer commercials

see any similarities? They are both in all white rooms with one person representing the advertised product on the right and another incompetent always failing person representing the competing product on the left. The only difference is T-Mobile has some girl representing them and Justin Long for the Apple commercials.

These commercials are literally the same thing except one for apple and one shitting all over apple. SO, I am just curious as to how no stink has been raised about this yet? I feel like some sort of infringement has taken place. The lack of originality kind of infuriates me.... but that may be partially because I have an iPhone... but I promise that isn't the main reason!

Oops!

How could I forget my new features!? Also, Im upset at my computer so it fits perfectly...

Now Playing: Shark in the Water - VV Brown

Pet Peeve of the Day:

Windows update. (disclaimer: If I could afford a macbook, you bet your ass I would have one). I didn't see any indication while ON the computer that it needed to be updated. But, I guess it can only be updated at 3 in the morning...I say this because at 3 this morning I wake up to a bright light and loud ass noise because my computer updated. So that was awesome. Also, now my computer is telling me that there are new updates available... NO THERE ARE NOT. Come the fuck on.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond... to the copy room.

The topic of this particular post, is something that I am sure will come up time and time again. Especially once I can get the audio on my phone to work right. I used my phones video record feature to try and record this person speaking, but the sound is too low. You, my loyal fan and audience, would have to turn the sound up way to high and barely hear anything. But I can try and recreate it for you... let me set the scene:

Office building in the middle of a unit that is separated from the other units by a 5 foot wall.... at the end of the unit sits a goddess... or the antithesis of that, a demonness? Her weave is done up "nicely" shes an older lady, the kind that looks 60 but is probably 40. She's sitting at her desk that faces all others in the unit and therefore seems to project the loudest (or that could just be the voice behind it). We call her... "YourSecretary." Who she actually belongs to, we may never known. She is on her cell phone, because of course the supervisor isn't there... no need to pretend to be working by talking to your friend on the work phone. There is no telling what is being said on the other end, all you hear is:

"Rasp Rasp Rasp. Rasp, Rasp Rasp Rasp Rasp. Girrrrrrl, you know"

(pause)

[Raspy cough][Hacks up a lung and all the mucus known to man][Raspy Cough]

(pause)

"No girrrl. I aint got no cold. Nooo my throat just itches"

[Raspy throat clearing]

"No, its not a cold. My throat just itches sometimes, girl, you know.

(pause)

[clearly cutting them off]"Well you know my daughter she makes all kinds of noises. But, girl, I can't do all that. So I just cough cuz it itches."

[Raspy throat clear] [Raspy cough][More awesome mucus]

"Raspity Rasp Rasp Rasp"

So, I know my literary interpretation may not do it justice but hopefully there will be literal representations soon.

and on that note I want to show you something, and you tell me what you think could have happened. See below (my apologies for the green dot, thats just a dirty lens)

So... what would you venture that is. It is far away so it might be difficult to tell.

Ok I'll tell you. 1st, the room that this picture takes place in is the copy room; so a room with a copier, shredder, and lots of paper. Ok, now, the original shape this paper product takes could be compared to a "u" or an "o"... now if you can just imagine in your head something that has that shape that's made out of paper. Next thing you need to know is that directly across the hall (2-3 steps away) is the women's bathroom. Lastly, this involves YourSecretary so you know, anything goes!!! Ok, so let's retrace the steps of said person. Bathroom to a supervisor's office, to the copy room to her desk. So, if you haven't guess by now, thats right, it's the paper seat cover from the bathroom.... on the floor.... that was witness by a reliable source as being seen tucked into the pants of YourSecretary.

So, I sympathize whole heartedly with YourSecretary. Really, I do. As I sit here writing this, I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for sharing this. I have my insecurities, and I have a phobia of public humiliation. So, like I said, I sympathize. But then... then I remember back to hearing the word "faggot" repeated over and over while she was on the phone my 7th day on the job. I also remember her getting a call about a case that would be mine but not getting it for 2 hours and royally fucking me over. And I remember hearing "I'M A CLERK, NOT A SECRETARY" (or vice versa, i really don't remember). And all these memories combined with her killing of the ozone layer with her 2 pack a day habit and desire to empty entire aerosol cans of lysol to kill roaches. I remember those things and I don't quite feel so bad. AND to top it all off... she takes the shit out of her pants (metaphorical shit that is) and leaves it in the fucking copy room... THE COPY ROOM. She pushed it behind the door so maybe no one would see it, but if they did surely it was someone else. She couldn't walk the 3 steps across the hall to the bathroom where the damn thing came from. So at the end of the day, I only have a sliver of remorse and regret at posting this.

I don't know when this post became a bitchfest... but bitching is what I do best so, there you have it.

Big Plans, Big Plans

Since I know I have so many fans (2-3) that I force to read this blog by throwing it in their face on twitter and facebook. I've been thinking and making plans for the future of this glorious literary gem. Ive decided to add 2 essentials to every post.

1- Pet Peeve of the day. Now it's not of the day everyday because let's face it, the only things I do every day are eat, sleep, go to the bathroom.... breathe, shower... ok a lot of things but not blog. So its really just pet peeve of the time period since I last wrote something, which with my track record may be every 6 months. But, I figure since I have so much hate in my cold black heart for people and situations... I might as well add comedy and share it with the world! So.......

Pet Peeve of the Day!

Brights/Bright headlights/high beams 1st edition. I have a feeling a lot of the pet peeves will involve driving, and brights. This edition of brights is in reference to the man behind me this morning on the way home from the gym. Dear Sir or Madam, there is no need for your exceptionally bright lights to be on while you are behind me on COLESVILLE ROAD. Colesville doesn't have trees to block the moon light and it has street lamps like every 5 inches... I think you'll be okay with just plan old headlights. I think the world would benefit from me NOT being blind while driving. Thanks

2- My second staple? of blogging is a cliche post, and it is "now playing." A song I like and want to share with the world. This way I can be a tool and look like I'm hip based on the various types of music I like, especially those that aren't on the radio. How cool will I look? So...

Now Playing

"Dancing on My Own" by Robyn

A little venting and then the introduction of ....... MOM CHRONICLES!

Oh thank goodness for this new wonderful outlet that I will force my friends to read. Now, I can take this opportunity to vent. Mainly because I just got home and before even evan.... parking my car I dropped the f bomb 3 times.

First, I spend an exorbitant amount of time shoveling snow on the street and yard so I can park in a spot either way and there's still room for my mother. So I get home and of course the people across the streets...... son is parked in one of the nicely shoveled spot. This man does this at least 3 times a week, and usually i get pissed and let it slide. But what the fuck man, hours of shoveling and spaces being a hot commodity. This isnt dc... and you found a spot to park in before I shoveled the spot... SHIT. I wouldn't dare park in front of your parents house asshole because I (did i spell dare right?) .... because I know that 2 cars park on the street and Im considerate. Where as, he knows 2 cars park on this side of the street but what the fuck ever, who cares.... Im probably in the wrong but Im still up set damnit ... !

NOW... on to Mom Chronicles...this is probably a nice little piece I will do often because, I like complaining about my mother like an ungrateful little bitch. So as a disclaimer: I love my mother and everything she has ever done for me. She is kind, loving, accepting, and always there for me and I would be the person I am without her... blah blah blah. This is all meant to be funny, no duh!

ok so exhibit A:

As you'll see to your left (okay well not left, I am getting too frustrated at this damn formatting shit so above) a kind of cut open avocado. Now, I don't like avocados, so it isn't all that big of a deal.... But for shit's sake. If you want an avocado, don't cut off/out 1/11 of the avocado and put the rest back...... uncovered.... in a random place on the kitchen counter. Also, if it was because you realized it was bad, why would you then return it to its original place in randomville on the counter. But, again, I don't like avocados so its cool I guess.

Exhibit 2:

So above you here is .... well... in the blue bowl is my dog Roxie's food bowl. Now what I ask you to look at is the cast iron skillet next to it. Now this photo was taken on the 2nd..... on the 31st of January my mother was hungry and made an ...."omelet." She made enough for two people and didn't eat all of it. So..... she leaves it covered on the stove and the night of the 1st while I am trying to make asparagus, to her surprise, it's still there. "Oh I forgot I made that!"She says and then proceeds to put it on the floor for Roxie to eat. My mother thought it was appropriate to take an "omelet" that had been sitting out for 24 hours and feed it to my dog. Which is nearly forgivable.... but here it is another 24 hours later and.... its still sitting there. Roxie didn't touch shit. I vowed never to clean her Roxie donations up so, we will see how long it stays there. I'll be sure to let you all know.

I'm really totally gonna make an effort.

Ok, it's literally been a year since I last posted but... I find that 140 characters on twitter just isn't enough sometimes to thoroughly express how I'm feeling about hating stuff. So, in an effort to please all (so many people) of my fans, I will try again to do this blog thing.

Why am I posting at 5:42 you ask? Well, I woke up at 4:15 to go to the gym. But, having had a wintery mix last night, the ground is rather icy. I went outside cleaned off my windows, thought, "it isn't all that bad out there, I can't see any ice (i know) and I didn't slip while cleaning the windows. Ill be fine. ... Hey look a car just drove no problem." Then I pull out of the drive way and instantly skid my ties. "No problem, I'm going up hill. It's fine" Then I start going down hill..... and break and go just a little further than expected. Not too bad. Then I happened to gently brush the front of my car against a mound of snow at the bottom of the hill after spinning a little bit unintentionally. I decide at that point, the gym is probably not the best bet if I've gone half a block and have that many scares. So I pull back up to my house and parallel park in front of my house. I'm almost in perfectly and... I just let the ice handle the rest, it slowly guided my car back to the perfect spot. So all in all thanks ice! Oh, I forgot to mention that it also allowed me to ice skate back to my front yard where I walked over the snow to get back home.

An hour and a half later, after spending far to much time deleting stupid old posts and trying to sign in... here I am... Any bets on how many I'll posts I'll do before I give up and get lazy again?