Bed, Bath, and Beyond... to the copy room.

The topic of this particular post, is something that I am sure will come up time and time again. Especially once I can get the audio on my phone to work right. I used my phones video record feature to try and record this person speaking, but the sound is too low. You, my loyal fan and audience, would have to turn the sound up way to high and barely hear anything. But I can try and recreate it for you... let me set the scene:

Office building in the middle of a unit that is separated from the other units by a 5 foot wall.... at the end of the unit sits a goddess... or the antithesis of that, a demonness? Her weave is done up "nicely" shes an older lady, the kind that looks 60 but is probably 40. She's sitting at her desk that faces all others in the unit and therefore seems to project the loudest (or that could just be the voice behind it). We call her... "YourSecretary." Who she actually belongs to, we may never known. She is on her cell phone, because of course the supervisor isn't there... no need to pretend to be working by talking to your friend on the work phone. There is no telling what is being said on the other end, all you hear is:

"Rasp Rasp Rasp. Rasp, Rasp Rasp Rasp Rasp. Girrrrrrl, you know"

(pause)

[Raspy cough][Hacks up a lung and all the mucus known to man][Raspy Cough]

(pause)

"No girrrl. I aint got no cold. Nooo my throat just itches"

[Raspy throat clearing]

"No, its not a cold. My throat just itches sometimes, girl, you know.

(pause)

[clearly cutting them off]"Well you know my daughter she makes all kinds of noises. But, girl, I can't do all that. So I just cough cuz it itches."

[Raspy throat clear] [Raspy cough][More awesome mucus]

"Raspity Rasp Rasp Rasp"

So, I know my literary interpretation may not do it justice but hopefully there will be literal representations soon.

and on that note I want to show you something, and you tell me what you think could have happened. See below (my apologies for the green dot, thats just a dirty lens)

So... what would you venture that is. It is far away so it might be difficult to tell.

Ok I'll tell you. 1st, the room that this picture takes place in is the copy room; so a room with a copier, shredder, and lots of paper. Ok, now, the original shape this paper product takes could be compared to a "u" or an "o"... now if you can just imagine in your head something that has that shape that's made out of paper. Next thing you need to know is that directly across the hall (2-3 steps away) is the women's bathroom. Lastly, this involves YourSecretary so you know, anything goes!!! Ok, so let's retrace the steps of said person. Bathroom to a supervisor's office, to the copy room to her desk. So, if you haven't guess by now, thats right, it's the paper seat cover from the bathroom.... on the floor.... that was witness by a reliable source as being seen tucked into the pants of YourSecretary.

So, I sympathize whole heartedly with YourSecretary. Really, I do. As I sit here writing this, I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for sharing this. I have my insecurities, and I have a phobia of public humiliation. So, like I said, I sympathize. But then... then I remember back to hearing the word "faggot" repeated over and over while she was on the phone my 7th day on the job. I also remember her getting a call about a case that would be mine but not getting it for 2 hours and royally fucking me over. And I remember hearing "I'M A CLERK, NOT A SECRETARY" (or vice versa, i really don't remember). And all these memories combined with her killing of the ozone layer with her 2 pack a day habit and desire to empty entire aerosol cans of lysol to kill roaches. I remember those things and I don't quite feel so bad. AND to top it all off... she takes the shit out of her pants (metaphorical shit that is) and leaves it in the fucking copy room... THE COPY ROOM. She pushed it behind the door so maybe no one would see it, but if they did surely it was someone else. She couldn't walk the 3 steps across the hall to the bathroom where the damn thing came from. So at the end of the day, I only have a sliver of remorse and regret at posting this.

I don't know when this post became a bitchfest... but bitching is what I do best so, there you have it.

Big Plans, Big Plans

Since I know I have so many fans (2-3) that I force to read this blog by throwing it in their face on twitter and facebook. I've been thinking and making plans for the future of this glorious literary gem. Ive decided to add 2 essentials to every post.

1- Pet Peeve of the day. Now it's not of the day everyday because let's face it, the only things I do every day are eat, sleep, go to the bathroom.... breathe, shower... ok a lot of things but not blog. So its really just pet peeve of the time period since I last wrote something, which with my track record may be every 6 months. But, I figure since I have so much hate in my cold black heart for people and situations... I might as well add comedy and share it with the world! So.......

Pet Peeve of the Day!

Brights/Bright headlights/high beams 1st edition. I have a feeling a lot of the pet peeves will involve driving, and brights. This edition of brights is in reference to the man behind me this morning on the way home from the gym. Dear Sir or Madam, there is no need for your exceptionally bright lights to be on while you are behind me on COLESVILLE ROAD. Colesville doesn't have trees to block the moon light and it has street lamps like every 5 inches... I think you'll be okay with just plan old headlights. I think the world would benefit from me NOT being blind while driving. Thanks

2- My second staple? of blogging is a cliche post, and it is "now playing." A song I like and want to share with the world. This way I can be a tool and look like I'm hip based on the various types of music I like, especially those that aren't on the radio. How cool will I look? So...

Now Playing

"Dancing on My Own" by Robyn

A little venting and then the introduction of ....... MOM CHRONICLES!

Oh thank goodness for this new wonderful outlet that I will force my friends to read. Now, I can take this opportunity to vent. Mainly because I just got home and before even evan.... parking my car I dropped the f bomb 3 times.

First, I spend an exorbitant amount of time shoveling snow on the street and yard so I can park in a spot either way and there's still room for my mother. So I get home and of course the people across the streets...... son is parked in one of the nicely shoveled spot. This man does this at least 3 times a week, and usually i get pissed and let it slide. But what the fuck man, hours of shoveling and spaces being a hot commodity. This isnt dc... and you found a spot to park in before I shoveled the spot... SHIT. I wouldn't dare park in front of your parents house asshole because I (did i spell dare right?) .... because I know that 2 cars park on the street and Im considerate. Where as, he knows 2 cars park on this side of the street but what the fuck ever, who cares.... Im probably in the wrong but Im still up set damnit ... !

NOW... on to Mom Chronicles...this is probably a nice little piece I will do often because, I like complaining about my mother like an ungrateful little bitch. So as a disclaimer: I love my mother and everything she has ever done for me. She is kind, loving, accepting, and always there for me and I would be the person I am without her... blah blah blah. This is all meant to be funny, no duh!

ok so exhibit A:

As you'll see to your left (okay well not left, I am getting too frustrated at this damn formatting shit so above) a kind of cut open avocado. Now, I don't like avocados, so it isn't all that big of a deal.... But for shit's sake. If you want an avocado, don't cut off/out 1/11 of the avocado and put the rest back...... uncovered.... in a random place on the kitchen counter. Also, if it was because you realized it was bad, why would you then return it to its original place in randomville on the counter. But, again, I don't like avocados so its cool I guess.

Exhibit 2:

So above you here is .... well... in the blue bowl is my dog Roxie's food bowl. Now what I ask you to look at is the cast iron skillet next to it. Now this photo was taken on the 2nd..... on the 31st of January my mother was hungry and made an ...."omelet." She made enough for two people and didn't eat all of it. So..... she leaves it covered on the stove and the night of the 1st while I am trying to make asparagus, to her surprise, it's still there. "Oh I forgot I made that!"She says and then proceeds to put it on the floor for Roxie to eat. My mother thought it was appropriate to take an "omelet" that had been sitting out for 24 hours and feed it to my dog. Which is nearly forgivable.... but here it is another 24 hours later and.... its still sitting there. Roxie didn't touch shit. I vowed never to clean her Roxie donations up so, we will see how long it stays there. I'll be sure to let you all know.

I'm really totally gonna make an effort.

Ok, it's literally been a year since I last posted but... I find that 140 characters on twitter just isn't enough sometimes to thoroughly express how I'm feeling about hating stuff. So, in an effort to please all (so many people) of my fans, I will try again to do this blog thing.

Why am I posting at 5:42 you ask? Well, I woke up at 4:15 to go to the gym. But, having had a wintery mix last night, the ground is rather icy. I went outside cleaned off my windows, thought, "it isn't all that bad out there, I can't see any ice (i know) and I didn't slip while cleaning the windows. Ill be fine. ... Hey look a car just drove no problem." Then I pull out of the drive way and instantly skid my ties. "No problem, I'm going up hill. It's fine" Then I start going down hill..... and break and go just a little further than expected. Not too bad. Then I happened to gently brush the front of my car against a mound of snow at the bottom of the hill after spinning a little bit unintentionally. I decide at that point, the gym is probably not the best bet if I've gone half a block and have that many scares. So I pull back up to my house and parallel park in front of my house. I'm almost in perfectly and... I just let the ice handle the rest, it slowly guided my car back to the perfect spot. So all in all thanks ice! Oh, I forgot to mention that it also allowed me to ice skate back to my front yard where I walked over the snow to get back home.

An hour and a half later, after spending far to much time deleting stupid old posts and trying to sign in... here I am... Any bets on how many I'll posts I'll do before I give up and get lazy again?

Ok so

Alrighty... im really trying to get on this regular posting thing and Im really working hard at it. Today I think is gonna be a long one.
First I will talk about what happened today in my Groups and Families class. A group made a presentation about a group they created, it was a support group for teen mothers. All the class members where given a character to play in the role play and it was scripted. I was assigned the role of a 17 year old mother of her second child. I was to respond to the character our professor was playing when she asked a question.

Here is what my script said:

"Please respond when Dr. ---- asks her question with the following statement:
- I do too. It happened when I had my son, it's no big deal"

So keep in mind I have absolutely NO CLUE what I am responding to but simply that I have to respond to that. So, finally Dr. ---- is up and Im ready with my answer and I hear this come out of he:
" I have hemorrhoids and-"
I immediately cut her off with:
"OH MY GOD, what! I hate you guys"

So not only was I slutty mcgee of the class but I had hemorrhoids..... AWESOME. It took me 15 minutes to stop laughing before I could say my one brief line. I know they assigned that to me on purpose... aholes.



ok... so on to part 2.. 1st is a video from last weekends SNL that made me cry I laughed so hard... maybe because Im lame but Im sure its because it was funny (keep in mind i SUCK at html and Im just copying and pasting and hoping for the best):


http://www.hulu.com/watch/67442/saturday-night-liv...

Nashville airport blog

So here I sit in the nasvhille international? Airport and they have all these country stars making annoncements and shit.... One of which is that Nashville is the Athens of the south. Now I get it you mean the Greek Athens.... You guys have a few art museums.... fine. But there is an Athens, georgia soooooo I say fail.



Ps thanksnto whoever is follwing me besides becky I have 2 whole followers.... Holy crap. Now let me find of who it is!

So here I sit

At field aka internship. Its early as shit. I saw the watchmen premier last night at midnight... AWESOME! I saw more blue penii in that movie than i hope to ever see in my life. But it was a great movie indeed. As a result, however, I only got about 3 hours of sleep. Which blows because I have work immediately after this. So, I come in and the women in the cubicle next to me asks how I am and I say tired... she says "yeah you look tired." Why do people say that! I mean, I know this whole thing has been discussed numerous times but seriously. In my opinion tired is just another way of saying like shit. Think about it, what are the symptoms of tired? Slow, frumpy, frazzled, not put together.... like shit.
Whatever, i dont care.

BUT! Not even a man falling crossing 50 on his bike and running into a snow mound then immediately falling face first (and back tire in the air) will make this day brighter!!! I just thought it was sad. Boy I cant wait to sleep. But I do get to work with one of my favorite people tonight so hopefully it wont be TOOOO bad.