So, today, as probably everyone knows and is already annoyed over, there was an earthquake in Virginia that spread fairly far. I sit here and see Roxie come out from under my bed, 3 hours after it happened, remember hearing my coworker yell at people to get out, and I'll admit it, it had my heart racing a little bit. It was kinda crazy, all things considered. Yes, I know California has em all the time or whatever. Good for you guys, we NEVER get them, our buildings arent equipped to handle earthquakes, nor are our psyche's. My supervisor screamed louder than I thought was humanely possible then sprinted out the building SO fast... then had the nerve to stand under a tree the whole time. That was, before she got a seat in a nice car with.... bum-bum-bum YOURSECRETARY!
So, the real reason I posted this was because, while sitting outside for a good 45 minutes in my coworker A's car, about 5 of us got to people watching and... sure enough the person that is YourSecretary made her presence known; instantly turning us into 12 year old catty bitches!My coworker M was quick to point out that YourSecretary was freaking out the second she got outside. "OH NO C, OH NO C [Rasp] THE EARTHQUAKES OUT [Cough Cough] HERE TOO!"
Then, maybe 20 minutes later, YourSecretary Waddled her way back to the building. She was just so worried that her purse would get stolen by the............. NO ONE ALLOWED IN THE BUILDING. Thank god I had my wallet with me because Im going to have to assume there were ulterior motives of some kind. She doesn't drive so there is no way she was getting her keys. At any rate, she came back out, and was talking to someone about something, and lucky for me we got a nice little video captured. Now, I want to warn you, 1- its sideways and I have no idea why... stupid iPhone.... so just be a doll and tilt your head sideways. Secondly, its just a split second because ..... being incognito is hard. So this is just one of MANY random spastic movements she VOLUNTARILY has.
Now that this post is said and done.... I feel somewhat guilty about posting it... Im pretty much a huge asshole and will likely burn in hell for it. But, I was already headed there so, why not. Not to mention peer pressure was working hard on this one, so Im taking all you ladies who were laughing right along with me. Take that!
Pet Peeve of The Day - My iPhone video recorder... what the heck man, the phone was held upright, why is it sideways? Is upright a word/the right word?
Now Playing - Casualty of Love by Jessie J.... cant get enough of her!!!!!!!
So.... I know this has become such an irregular thing. But, I've found inspiration to write a new blog. I would like to take this opportunity to analyze some of YourSecretary's work. Really dive in there and try to see what makes her tick, how she operates. For science, you know?
I kept trying to make this picture bigger... but it wouldn't get bigger. Hopefully it still has the full effect/affect (I will literally never understand the proper spelling and usage of those words). Let me explain to you what this is a picture of. In the mail room of the particular agency I work at, each box is for a particular unit. Above your unit's box is a list of the names of the people in your unit for distribution. As you guessed, YourSecretary is responsible for creating the list. The first thing to note, before even delving into the 6 points I've made in the picture, is the size of our paper. In comparison to the other lists, it's fairly large. It is in a plastic sleeve and all taped up. Its wondrous (thats how you spell that?).
Ok so here we go... diving into it!
1- The first thing I should note is the placement of names. Its seems as though the grouping of the names is separated into 3 groups, supervisor, clerical staff, and workers. So, understandably at the top of the list is the name of the unit and the unit supervisor. But, for some reason there is this space between the supervisor then the secretary's name. Then.... WAY down there below YourSecretary is the workers. I like this subconscious super blatant attempt to show the amount of importance she feels to the unit. She clearly believes that by talking on her cell phone and the office phone to her husband, mother, daughter, cousin, corner store owner, customer service rep.... that she is really contributing the most to our unit. Without her humming along to music with moans and groans, rasping it up, moving papers around to pretend to work, nothing would ever get done I'm sure.
2,3, & 4- Now these 3 kind of go hand in hand. 2= First Name; 3= Comma; 4= Last name. So... yeah. She organized our names with First, Last. This woman has a comma fetish I think. She never uses : or ; for anything. She is ALL about the commas. But, I think she fails to realize that when you put someone's name First then Last... you don't actually have to... scratch that you are not supposed to put a comma. This would suggest that my names is actually Pelz-Butler Erika. and my child would be named Mary Erika... what is that shit. Here is what I think happened. She had never done anything like use commas in names. Then she saw someone else do it and maybe due to her choice in elaborate names, thought that it was First, Last. Then she just started rolling with it.... I guess? I just don't understand how she can spend her day filing closed cases in which its Last, First... but then think that she can just go ahead and do it wrong. But, then again, Im thinking that she probably doesn't actually do filing so .... that might explain that. But you're a fucking secretary, and you make a big fucking deal about your job title and make such a loud fuss about making sure EVERYONE knows exactly how hard you work and how cool you are... so how on EARTH do you not understand the basic elementary principles like name order and fucking filing. Good lord. But, this is a woman who can't attach things to emails (thats an actual fact). So I cant expect much. I gotta say, this is a HUGE issue for me... probably too big.
5- I think YourSecretary reads my blog.... because this has just got to be spite. This motherfucker capitalized my second last name, but not my first. She probably heard me complain about how frustrating it is that people only call me Erika Butler... and thought, "Hey fuck you erika. I'll teach you to correct my grammar, punctuation, and go around doing my job because I dont show up or just spend all day smoking a cigarette." Its one thing to capitalize the P and not the B because it seems like all one last name. But, do not capitalize the P means that you deliberately didn't capitalize the FIRST LETTER IN MY LAST NAME!
6- This is a minor issue... especially considering the fact that she can't be trusted to do shit and understand basic principals. But, the order of the names is interesting. Its obviously not alphabetized because... that would be silly. But, it's a known fact that M.F. is YourSecretary's favorite worker by far. This is the girl she says goodbye to everyday really loud after passing everyone else and refusing to say a word. Then when she got laughed at she whispered goodbye..... very loud. Then there's W.B. who is the only gentleman in our unit, which means your girl LOVES him.
Well alright! Thanks for taking the time to help me sufficiently analyze this document. Its important for the overall understanding of how YourSecretary operates... and what I have to go through. I think I'm going to create a new, proper, list to replace it. I'm just worried about the wrath of YourSecretary. I know she'll know it was one of 3 people and then she'll start freaking out and spreading her raspy cigarette disgustingness all over everything, and I might catch a pack a day habit. We don't want that.
Pet Peeve of the Day - Commas.
Now Playing - I know I posted this on facebook but I wanted to share the musical stylings of YourSecretary with you guys. To preface this, this is what YourSecretary sounds like when she is humming along to music she is listening to on her computer. Also, do to the covert nature of the recording, it's fairly quiet so you need to turn your volume ALL the way up and if possible use headphones. Love, Erika.
So, yes.... it has been like......................... 2 months since I posted. Mainly because Im lame, and partially because Im lazy. But, I wrote down all these YourSecretary series ideas and did nothing with them. But this particular one, "showing restraint" is one Ive been working on for quite some time. As you probably know, I have a twitter and a facebook, and I frequently update my status at work to express my frustration. But, I realized that I was posting far too often so I started writing them as notes on my phone. I emailed them to myself like 5 days ago and am just getting around to posting it. I also want to try to post some of my facebook statuses just... to include all my gems. Unfortunately I didn't date it, just timed it. So please enjoy the following as an insight into my daily experience with YourSecretary. Some you've seen perhaps, some seem to be new. First, some statuses of mine that I actually posted....
Don't worry y'all she just announced loudly on the phone that she never wanted to be a social worker. I will not continue this thought as it is extremely mean and cold hearted.
Hold music for metro access or your cell phone company or k mart or whatever the fuck company you're calling isn't meant for in the office speaker phone
(5 minutes later)
Ooooo turning it up when your supervisor leaves? Well played. Today is a pissy Erika day, I can't be held accountable.
Ewwwwww you're having a conversation on the phone with someone and every 3 words you pause to blow your nose just a little bit.
There is no way to get this noise I'm plagued with recorded.... DAMNIT!!! How will anyone else know my pain?
If you could just hear the mumbling that comes out of my mouth allll day.
If I could guess without looking (because you never look directly into medusa's eyes) she's eating canned peaches because the slurping is SO LOUD. But, more than likely it's toast.
Did THIS bitch just call someone illiterate!?!?! Bahahaha I think she meant ignorant. Mass posting is a symptom of being here alone, sorry
Ok so.... those are just a sample... I could go on FOREVER... but I will now attach all those that I didn't post. For that newness factor. So keep in mind, this is all stuff I DIDNT post for fear of overwhelming people... I copied and pasted directly from what I wrote in my phone:
9:32 - how convenient you came in from smoking your 1 (20 minute) cigarette as soon as the other bureau chief (who had been using our workspace) left.
10:20 - Shut. The Fuck. Up. You were not busting your ass to do anything, because had you actually ever done work it would have been a calm process. Also, you made your mother loving point! Stop repeating and repeating and finding new ways of saying the same damn thing.
2:30- you just called your figure "such a good one" ... Come on.
3:20- I wish people would stop encouraging her to talk about how she doesn't do work when she has headphone.
3:50- "don't tell me what I gotta do. I just gotta stay black pay taxes and die... Not what I must do and am required to do, that's another story" I heard that same sentence 3 times in 2 minutes.
4:00pm- I'm pretty sure there is only one song on her computer that shes playing over and over.
10:00- I asked her what's wrong, I asked what's wrong. Then she told me. ... Get up off your lazy ass and watch the news.
8:30-"let me explain something to you: When you pray, when you pray, when you pray... Prayer works."
8:17- Bahahahaha based on the noise I hear when she walks by, I'd say she is probably wearing snow pants!
9:35- hahaha with your rasp it's impossible for you to whisper without me knowing.
1:26- that chicken is too much!?!? Your fucking face is too damn much.
1:27 - bitch you start and stop diets like I drive on the beltway.... At least twice a fucking day.
SO there you have it... Life at work is exceptionally fun. I spend half of my energy trying to keep sane in the face of ignorance, incompetence, and.... loudness. Hope this has been a joyful experience for you, seeing as how I havent posted in months.
Pet Peeve of the Day - Tasty Foods.... why do the tastiest foods out there make me stay fat. I would eat healthy if it tasted good. I understand this is cliche, but it is SOO true. I don't crave mealy disgusting and tasteless food. I crave sugar and salt and deep fried goodness. Come on mother nature, hook a sister up with some awesome fat filled diet.
Now Playing - Now, I know I posted this video on my facebook. So, here I'll just post the name of the song. "Mama Knows Best" by Jessie J.... love it!
So, I am a slave to the internet and all of it's wonderful powers. I have a facebook and twitter, Im hip to all that stuff. But, that being said, I hate the internet. Facebook has connected me to people and thats all well and good. But, it has forced me to endure being "friends" with people I can't stand, and should therefore probably delete.
Now before I start I will make an admission. I post updates probably FAR too often.... and I have a foursquare account so people know where I am too much. BUT, I only post like 1/3 of my check ins on twitter and I like to add a little whitty remark to them. I think through everything I post and try not to post on a whim every 5 seconds. So, I apologize for the likely hypocritical post Im about to put you through. But it had to be done.
Ok there are a few types of people who post. Im the type who posts more than she should and checks in all the time. But, Id like to touch on 3.
#1 I post 2 damn much about random things.
As you can see, in the matter of an hour. There are 5 or 6 posts that were within the hour. Now, for this gentleman it is a regular occurrence. His primary goal, apparently, is to get as many twitter followers as possible. I guess because internet friends who don't read your posts are just about the same as real friends? I know I can border or posting shit all the time. But, I like to think my posts are relevant to at least some of my followers. I try to make them funny or substantial in some way. I know I fail often at that but... I at least try!
#2 Depressed Attention Whore
Unfortunately I don't have a picture for this one. But, you know who Im talking about when I talk about them. I have one friend in particular who is FOREVER posting melodramatic bullshit. The person from example #1 is guilty of this ("I miss her" "Man I fucked up" blah blah). But this other person is SO MUCH WORSE. Lordy.
"so i close my eyes and i realize i am right now at this very moment am truly happy. no one can take this feeling away from me. u are better than any year in my past. cant wait to see what this feature brings us! :)" comes literally 40 minutes after"SOoo im realizing i dont like you very much!" BUT... what's even better than that. She deleted it but, she said in between those two posts something along the lines of "when will I ever be happy"
She's constantly saying things like that, Im never happy, no one likes me, why me... WHY, I have a shitty life, blah blah. I havent the slightest idea what is so wrong in her life. But, all of this is unnecessary.
#3 Absurdly Annoying Spelling/Grammar/Topic
Ok, both of these belong to the same person. This person is probably the single most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life. This is the person that spends her WHOLE FING LUNCH BREAK sitting in her car taking sexy pictures of herself. This is the person who sits in her room taking pictures of her facing one way, looking the other, and pursing her lips. So hot!
At any rate. This is the type of person who is an embarrassment to America and its educational system. 1st, she has a child and posts how much she loves her and 5 minutes later how she can't wait to go to the club. This is someone with a bachelors and apparently on her way to a masters in something but is incapable of spelling basic english words or having a grammatically correct sentence. Not to mention, she genuinely believes this apocalyptic sign she saw.
BUT, I mustn't let people like that get to me. I'm better than that, and after all I choose to keep these people around. But, I just can't bring myself to delete them all for one reason or another that I wont get into. Not to mention I probably am that guy to plenty of people.
Hopefully you enjoyed this. Its another one NOT about YourSecretary. BUT I have plenty of great material so I promise one is on the way. Just thinking about her exhausts me. But, today, I realized that I need to get on my game. No one wants to read this boring bullshit anyway.
Pet Peeve of the Day: Old Houses. My AC is full blast, as the summer is upon us (apparently) which means 1 thing. My basement bedroom is a freezer. The entire house is ridiculously hot, but down here, I have to wear a hoody and pants to bed. But, the problem is, it gets just as cold in the winter time. I end up picking outfits based on my room temperature and keep over dressing. Im not smart enough to not do that damnit!
Now Playing: Who You Are by Jessie J. ..... i ADORE this song, absolutely obsessed. Check it out!
So, this morning I woke up for another miserable week of work. Well, miserable is a strong word. Its not the work I hate... Its the having to be somewhere at a certain time and HAVING to go everyday. I want to be an heiress.
At any rate. When I was going to take a shower a saw a tiny spider on the wall towards the top. Now, this isn't the first time I saw this spider. I saw it Saturday when I took a shower. The WHOLE time I was showering I would look up at that damn spider. Every 5 seconds, "is it still there?" As if the spider would come near me and this waterfall of death. Not to mention it was tiny. But Im a little bitch and was scared that for some reason this would be that one spider Ive never heard of thats fiercely poisonous and would jump of the wall and bite my face. But, this morning, I WASNT taking any chances and I killed that sucker.
Why are we so scared of these damn bugs? I think its the odd or unknown. These bugs I guess are creepy because they don't look like a person or pet? They're small and crawl on walls and have a reputation of biting. But, overall, they're probably the least dangerous of things we can come across. Im more scared of the exorcist little girl and heights. But, in that moment we cant help but be scared.
See what I did there at the end. I took this RANDOM boring story from my life and made it relatable to other people. I realize half way through that when I thought about this blog would be witty and awesome, I was probably wrong. I'm trying to branch out, not write ALL about YourSecretary or my mother. Surely I can make other things funny? Right?
Now Playing- Another Way to Die by Alicia Keys and Jack White
Pet Peeve of the Day - Back to the bathroom... I have been sick and I havent left the house in 4 days. Yesterday I took it upon myself to do something... make something of this weekend, so I was going to clean my bathroom. So, I got my supplies together then realized my swiffer wet pad things werent wet and therefore unusable. So I would have to save the floors for another day. I cleaned the toilet and let the bowl cleaning stuff sit, like I was supposed to. But, unfortunately I put the lid down and forgot about it. I went to scrub the tub, and the brush I had didnt fit in the corners... dumbass.
So my pet peeve of the day is cleaning bathrooms I HATE IT!
Well hello faithful and loving audience. It has been such a gosh darn long time since I posted something. Ive gotten lazy and tired. But, I figured since Im home with the bubonic plague, I should be able to post at least ONE blog. I mean I owe it to you guy. Yes, guy. So....
Besides just generally not understanding YourSecretary. I don't understand how her brain works. She's histrionic as a motherfucker 24/7. But THE SECOND someone new comes in. It changes. We had a training at my place of employment, and a friend from another part of town/state came to said training. This is someone who has a thorough knowledge of YourSecretary. She is likely 1/5 readers, not to mention the frequent facebook status updates in which I mention her. So, this friend comes and we begin training. Break 1 comes and, a coworker happens to need to go back to her desk, so my friend and I escort her... hoping that just bychance we happen to see her. Alas, she is nowhere to be found. Our supervisor was at the training which means that YourSecretary doesn't even pretend to "work." Friend and I go upstairs to get a drink come back and STILL nothing. I'm not too worried about it though because we've got lunch and another break to go.
At this point, we walk back to training and right back as it starts this faint cackle can be heard. I though it might be something, but it was coming from the lobby and... it could've been anything. Then the faint cackle becomes a emphysema filled cough, that I SUPPOSE could be called a laugh. Luckily, I was able to alert my friend quickly enough so that should could enjoy that brief moment. ... Later that day while we left for lunch, YourSecretary was blocking the door with her crusty ass cigarette hand. But, then she moved and was not awful. That was the extent.... THAT WAS IT.
WHAT THE HECK!
Having read the other posts, you'd think that I could squeeze out an ounce of loud talking, maybe a credit card digit.... a faint smell of disgusting fish. But, nothing. I just don't understand how she could show such restraint.
But, here you go for other things I dont understand. We covered Lil Kim's new face the other day. So, I guess there's no need for that.
1- This 4 square tip:
So, tips are typically, "Try the mashed potatoes, the gravy is great" or "Say it's your first time and you get a free donut.".... but not some trashy as sex talk about getting boned by a winner at target. Thanks FourSquare for another place where I can feel inadequate AND where I can be grossed out by the human race.
2- Kesha.... excuse me Ke-dollar sign-ha. Her music BLOWS, she talks like her blowy music, also... her music video for the aptly named "Blow" features a laser fight between her and James Van Der Beek in which they are at a cocktail party with unicorns who bleed rainbows. Think that's an absurd, nonsensical sentence? Imagine watching it! Hopefully you wont have to leave the site to watch the video, but typically with VEVO you have to.
3- Jeans..... man jeans I should say. I know that I should be the very last person who should be saying this, you know the feminist that I am. Because what I am about to say confines those to gender roles. I HATE skinny jeans. To be fair, I dont necessarily want to see girls in skinny jeans either. But I watched american idol for the first time this season, and I saw constantine mablahblah perform and he jeans were just SO.TIGHT. I had already hated them, but this was the final straw.
Ive broken down the skinny jeans trend into 2 categories and I will not associate race, because thats just plain wrong!
a-rock/emo: these are the literally ass tight, no room to breathe, outline of your balls jeans. for example. I suppose some people can pull it off. It just makes me uncomfortable thinking about wearing them. But these jeans arent fat asses.
b-hip hop/lil wayne skinny jeans. See what happens here is that skinny jeans are worn a tad bit below your waste. And by below your waste I mean, the bottom of your underwear has become your waist. I remember when baggy jeans were like 2 inches below your waist, thats one thing I can stand. But this 18 inches shit is ridiculous. It makes you look 2 feet shorter than you actually are. AND you have to walk around with your legs spread extremely far apart... a wobble sort of, so that the pants dont fall down (although they still inevitably do). The one benefit to this, is that I don't see the outline of your balls... thats because your waist is below them.
I should say that, 1-I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fashion sense, I am the antithesis of fashionable. Also, I don't mind skinnier than baggy jeans, because those can be annoying too. However, just leave a tinsy bit of space... and wear them kind close to your waist, and I feel like thats okay. But again. Dont take my advice, I suck at this kind of thing. But, seriously, why wear a belt?
So that being said, I don't get a lot. I kinda suck that way/am way too judgmental for my own good and will therefore burn in hell.
moving on...
Pet Peeve of the day: Do I need to .... im gonna go ahead and say the downfall of music, and images of musicians. Kesha and skinny jeans blow.
Now Playing- Infinity Guitars by Sleigh Bells
but I couldn't leave you without a clip from the HILARIOUS Donald Trump Roast, it was fucking hilarious. Its of snoop dogg. But can I just point out that 1-The Situation TANKED. He was awful... and 2- larry king was hilarious, when discussing snoop dogg "You're 71% black, that means 29% not guilty"
So, I am totally not posting as much as I'd like. But, I also am lazy and exhausted a lot of the time. I have a YourSecretary Experience in mind. However, I feel like it borders on bullying, and we wouldn't want that. Is posting a voice recording I managed to snag from her taking it a step too far? I'm also worried that my written interpretations may be devalued and it can be disappointing when you meet the legend (or hear it) for the first time. I continue to weigh these decisions and maybe one day. But, inside the cold dark hole in my chest there is a sliver of a heart.
At any rate, here are some things I just don't understand that maybe you can help me out with?
1- The following commercial:
So, when you think of commercials for baby products, they have to be catered towards parents, no? I mean... the babies can't tell their parents they want the diapers. Well, I guess certain ones can but... still. I kind of feel like Luvs is trying to make me feel stupid? Also, what a m-fing disgusting theme for a commercial. Its just all such nonesense. I just don't get it.
That being said I watch it whenever it's on tv and I kind of get it.
2- Gentrification:
Now, don't get me wrong... I know what gentrification IS. However, I just dont get how it happens; how it gets started. Who is that first gay white man to move into the hood and bring all the other hippies/hipsters with them? What balls it must take to be the first one. If I were to be a gentrifier, I would have to come in WAY late in the game. I want to be clear also, I don't know that I'm okay with gentrification. Its a nice idea to revitalize neighborhoods and all that. But, wouldn't you want to empower the impoverished communities and let them enjoy the revitalization. I'll just stick to living with my parents until I die a single cat lady.
3-
I'll give you $5 if you can tell me who that is.
I don't get it. Why lil kim... WHY. I guess I never really liked you, and that face pushes me over to team Nicki for sure. I just miss the Kim we all knew and... knew. Im scared... for you.... I guess and OF you. Work on that.
Now Playing: ET - Katy Perry (shoot me now I like a katy perry song).
Pet Peeve of the Day: My OTHER coworker's ignorance.
This particular coworker is in another unit separated by a pretend wall thats like 4.5 feet high. In the course of like.... an hour, I heard just a whole bunch of ignorance babbled. First she asked why the earthquake in Japan and subsequent tsunami cause the stock market to fall. significantly. She hadn't the slightest idea. She racked her brain while I desperately held my tongue. She decided then that... it's corruption. This b blamed it... and every problem wrong with everything ever on corruption. She couldn't understand why unrest in libya and egypt caused gas to go up, on no wait she could, it was that gosh darn corruption.
This wonderful person then went on to ask why Japan was so devastated by the earthquake and tsunami... because they should have seen it coming. She couldn't understand why it was so devastating. Well lady, tsunami formed as a result of the earthquake that was not predictable. Didn't you know about that "earthquake" we had a while back? Oh you didnt, why not?
Then she told me it was a sign of 2012 coming and the world is ending... in as serious a voice as she could.
