Internet Speak

So, I am a slave to the internet and all of it's wonderful powers. I have a facebook and twitter, Im hip to all that stuff. But, that being said, I hate the internet. Facebook has connected me to people and thats all well and good. But, it has forced me to endure being "friends" with people I can't stand, and should therefore probably delete.

Now before I start I will make an admission. I post updates probably FAR too often.... and I have a foursquare account so people know where I am too much. BUT, I only post like 1/3 of my check ins on twitter and I like to add a little whitty remark to them. I think through everything I post and try not to post on a whim every 5 seconds. So, I apologize for the likely hypocritical post Im about to put you through. But it had to be done.

Ok there are a few types of people who post. Im the type who posts more than she should and checks in all the time. But, Id like to touch on 3.

#1 I post 2 damn much about random things.

As you can see, in the matter of an hour. There are 5 or 6 posts that were within the hour. Now, for this gentleman it is a regular occurrence. His primary goal, apparently, is to get as many twitter followers as possible. I guess because internet friends who don't read your posts are just about the same as real friends? I know I can border or posting shit all the time. But, I like to think my posts are relevant to at least some of my followers. I try to make them funny or substantial in some way. I know I fail often at that but... I at least try!

#2 Depressed Attention Whore

Unfortunately I don't have a picture for this one. But, you know who Im talking about when I talk about them. I have one friend in particular who is FOREVER posting melodramatic bullshit. The person from example #1 is guilty of this ("I miss her" "Man I fucked up" blah blah). But this other person is SO MUCH WORSE. Lordy.

"so i close my eyes and i realize i am right now at this very moment am truly happy. no one can take this feeling away from me. u are better than any year in my past. cant wait to see what this feature brings us! :)" comes literally 40 minutes after"SOoo im realizing i dont like you very much!" BUT... what's even better than that. She deleted it but, she said in between those two posts something along the lines of "when will I ever be happy"

She's constantly saying things like that, Im never happy, no one likes me, why me... WHY, I have a shitty life, blah blah. I havent the slightest idea what is so wrong in her life. But, all of this is unnecessary.

#3 Absurdly Annoying Spelling/Grammar/Topic

Ok, both of these belong to the same person. This person is probably the single most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life. This is the person that spends her WHOLE FING LUNCH BREAK sitting in her car taking sexy pictures of herself. This is the person who sits in her room taking pictures of her facing one way, looking the other, and pursing her lips. So hot!

At any rate. This is the type of person who is an embarrassment to America and its educational system. 1st, she has a child and posts how much she loves her and 5 minutes later how she can't wait to go to the club. This is someone with a bachelors and apparently on her way to a masters in something but is incapable of spelling basic english words or having a grammatically correct sentence. Not to mention, she genuinely believes this apocalyptic sign she saw.

BUT, I mustn't let people like that get to me. I'm better than that, and after all I choose to keep these people around. But, I just can't bring myself to delete them all for one reason or another that I wont get into. Not to mention I probably am that guy to plenty of people.

Hopefully you enjoyed this. Its another one NOT about YourSecretary. BUT I have plenty of great material so I promise one is on the way. Just thinking about her exhausts me. But, today, I realized that I need to get on my game. No one wants to read this boring bullshit anyway.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Old Houses. My AC is full blast, as the summer is upon us (apparently) which means 1 thing. My basement bedroom is a freezer. The entire house is ridiculously hot, but down here, I have to wear a hoody and pants to bed. But, the problem is, it gets just as cold in the winter time. I end up picking outfits based on my room temperature and keep over dressing. Im not smart enough to not do that damnit!

Now Playing: Who You Are by Jessie J. ..... i ADORE this song, absolutely obsessed. Check it out!

Spiders in the Shower!

So, this morning I woke up for another miserable week of work. Well, miserable is a strong word. Its not the work I hate... Its the having to be somewhere at a certain time and HAVING to go everyday. I want to be an heiress.

At any rate. When I was going to take a shower a saw a tiny spider on the wall towards the top. Now, this isn't the first time I saw this spider. I saw it Saturday when I took a shower. The WHOLE time I was showering I would look up at that damn spider. Every 5 seconds, "is it still there?" As if the spider would come near me and this waterfall of death. Not to mention it was tiny. But Im a little bitch and was scared that for some reason this would be that one spider Ive never heard of thats fiercely poisonous and would jump of the wall and bite my face. But, this morning, I WASNT taking any chances and I killed that sucker.

Why are we so scared of these damn bugs? I think its the odd or unknown. These bugs I guess are creepy because they don't look like a person or pet? They're small and crawl on walls and have a reputation of biting. But, overall, they're probably the least dangerous of things we can come across. Im more scared of the exorcist little girl and heights. But, in that moment we cant help but be scared.

See what I did there at the end. I took this RANDOM boring story from my life and made it relatable to other people. I realize half way through that when I thought about this blog would be witty and awesome, I was probably wrong. I'm trying to branch out, not write ALL about YourSecretary or my mother. Surely I can make other things funny? Right?

Now Playing- Another Way to Die by Alicia Keys and Jack White

Pet Peeve of the Day - Back to the bathroom... I have been sick and I havent left the house in 4 days. Yesterday I took it upon myself to do something... make something of this weekend, so I was going to clean my bathroom. So, I got my supplies together then realized my swiffer wet pad things werent wet and therefore unusable. So I would have to save the floors for another day. I cleaned the toilet and let the bowl cleaning stuff sit, like I was supposed to. But, unfortunately I put the lid down and forgot about it. I went to scrub the tub, and the brush I had didnt fit in the corners... dumbass.

So my pet peeve of the day is cleaning bathrooms I HATE IT!

YourSecretary Experience: What Happened!/ Things I dont Understand pt2

Well hello faithful and loving audience. It has been such a gosh darn long time since I posted something. Ive gotten lazy and tired. But, I figured since Im home with the bubonic plague, I should be able to post at least ONE blog. I mean I owe it to you guy. Yes, guy. So....

Besides just generally not understanding YourSecretary. I don't understand how her brain works. She's histrionic as a motherfucker 24/7. But THE SECOND someone new comes in. It changes. We had a training at my place of employment, and a friend from another part of town/state came to said training. This is someone who has a thorough knowledge of YourSecretary. She is likely 1/5 readers, not to mention the frequent facebook status updates in which I mention her. So, this friend comes and we begin training. Break 1 comes and, a coworker happens to need to go back to her desk, so my friend and I escort her... hoping that just bychance we happen to see her. Alas, she is nowhere to be found. Our supervisor was at the training which means that YourSecretary doesn't even pretend to "work." Friend and I go upstairs to get a drink come back and STILL nothing. I'm not too worried about it though because we've got lunch and another break to go.

At this point, we walk back to training and right back as it starts this faint cackle can be heard. I though it might be something, but it was coming from the lobby and... it could've been anything. Then the faint cackle becomes a emphysema filled cough, that I SUPPOSE could be called a laugh. Luckily, I was able to alert my friend quickly enough so that should could enjoy that brief moment. ... Later that day while we left for lunch, YourSecretary was blocking the door with her crusty ass cigarette hand. But, then she moved and was not awful. That was the extent.... THAT WAS IT.

WHAT THE HECK!

Having read the other posts, you'd think that I could squeeze out an ounce of loud talking, maybe a credit card digit.... a faint smell of disgusting fish. But, nothing. I just don't understand how she could show such restraint.

But, here you go for other things I dont understand. We covered Lil Kim's new face the other day. So, I guess there's no need for that.

1- This 4 square tip:

So, tips are typically, "Try the mashed potatoes, the gravy is great" or "Say it's your first time and you get a free donut.".... but not some trashy as sex talk about getting boned by a winner at target. Thanks FourSquare for another place where I can feel inadequate AND where I can be grossed out by the human race.

2- Kesha.... excuse me Ke-dollar sign-ha. Her music BLOWS, she talks like her blowy music, also... her music video for the aptly named "Blow" features a laser fight between her and James Van Der Beek in which they are at a cocktail party with unicorns who bleed rainbows. Think that's an absurd, nonsensical sentence? Imagine watching it! Hopefully you wont have to leave the site to watch the video, but typically with VEVO you have to.

3- Jeans..... man jeans I should say. I know that I should be the very last person who should be saying this, you know the feminist that I am. Because what I am about to say confines those to gender roles. I HATE skinny jeans. To be fair, I dont necessarily want to see girls in skinny jeans either. But I watched american idol for the first time this season, and I saw constantine mablahblah perform and he jeans were just SO.TIGHT. I had already hated them, but this was the final straw.

Ive broken down the skinny jeans trend into 2 categories and I will not associate race, because thats just plain wrong!

a-rock/emo: these are the literally ass tight, no room to breathe, outline of your balls jeans. for example. I suppose some people can pull it off. It just makes me uncomfortable thinking about wearing them. But these jeans arent fat asses.

b-hip hop/lil wayne skinny jeans. See what happens here is that skinny jeans are worn a tad bit below your waste. And by below your waste I mean, the bottom of your underwear has become your waist. I remember when baggy jeans were like 2 inches below your waist, thats one thing I can stand. But this 18 inches shit is ridiculous. It makes you look 2 feet shorter than you actually are. AND you have to walk around with your legs spread extremely far apart... a wobble sort of, so that the pants dont fall down (although they still inevitably do). The one benefit to this, is that I don't see the outline of your balls... thats because your waist is below them.

I should say that, 1-I have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fashion sense, I am the antithesis of fashionable. Also, I don't mind skinnier than baggy jeans, because those can be annoying too. However, just leave a tinsy bit of space... and wear them kind close to your waist, and I feel like thats okay. But again. Dont take my advice, I suck at this kind of thing. But, seriously, why wear a belt?

So that being said, I don't get a lot. I kinda suck that way/am way too judgmental for my own good and will therefore burn in hell.

moving on...

Pet Peeve of the day: Do I need to .... im gonna go ahead and say the downfall of music, and images of musicians. Kesha and skinny jeans blow.

Now Playing- Infinity Guitars by Sleigh Bells

but I couldn't leave you without a clip from the HILARIOUS Donald Trump Roast, it was fucking hilarious. Its of snoop dogg. But can I just point out that 1-The Situation TANKED. He was awful... and 2- larry king was hilarious, when discussing snoop dogg "You're 71% black, that means 29% not guilty"