Things I just don't understand.

So, I am totally not posting as much as I'd like. But, I also am lazy and exhausted a lot of the time. I have a YourSecretary Experience in mind. However, I feel like it borders on bullying, and we wouldn't want that. Is posting a voice recording I managed to snag from her taking it a step too far? I'm also worried that my written interpretations may be devalued and it can be disappointing when you meet the legend (or hear it) for the first time. I continue to weigh these decisions and maybe one day. But, inside the cold dark hole in my chest there is a sliver of a heart.

At any rate, here are some things I just don't understand that maybe you can help me out with?

1- The following commercial:

So, when you think of commercials for baby products, they have to be catered towards parents, no? I mean... the babies can't tell their parents they want the diapers. Well, I guess certain ones can but... still. I kind of feel like Luvs is trying to make me feel stupid? Also, what a m-fing disgusting theme for a commercial. Its just all such nonesense. I just don't get it.

That being said I watch it whenever it's on tv and I kind of get it.

2- Gentrification:

Now, don't get me wrong... I know what gentrification IS. However, I just dont get how it happens; how it gets started. Who is that first gay white man to move into the hood and bring all the other hippies/hipsters with them? What balls it must take to be the first one. If I were to be a gentrifier, I would have to come in WAY late in the game. I want to be clear also, I don't know that I'm okay with gentrification. Its a nice idea to revitalize neighborhoods and all that. But, wouldn't you want to empower the impoverished communities and let them enjoy the revitalization. I'll just stick to living with my parents until I die a single cat lady.

3-

I'll give you $5 if you can tell me who that is.

I don't get it. Why lil kim... WHY. I guess I never really liked you, and that face pushes me over to team Nicki for sure. I just miss the Kim we all knew and... knew. Im scared... for you.... I guess and OF you. Work on that.

Now Playing: ET - Katy Perry (shoot me now I like a katy perry song).

Pet Peeve of the Day: My OTHER coworker's ignorance.

This particular coworker is in another unit separated by a pretend wall thats like 4.5 feet high. In the course of like.... an hour, I heard just a whole bunch of ignorance babbled. First she asked why the earthquake in Japan and subsequent tsunami cause the stock market to fall. significantly. She hadn't the slightest idea. She racked her brain while I desperately held my tongue. She decided then that... it's corruption. This b blamed it... and every problem wrong with everything ever on corruption. She couldn't understand why unrest in libya and egypt caused gas to go up, on no wait she could, it was that gosh darn corruption.

This wonderful person then went on to ask why Japan was so devastated by the earthquake and tsunami... because they should have seen it coming. She couldn't understand why it was so devastating. Well lady, tsunami formed as a result of the earthquake that was not predictable. Didn't you know about that "earthquake" we had a while back? Oh you didnt, why not?

Then she told me it was a sign of 2012 coming and the world is ending... in as serious a voice as she could.

Thats when I decided to put on my ipod.

The YourSecretary Experience: Gift Horse

So, let’s set the scene (cue Law & Order voiceover guy). Friday February 25, 2011. The sky outside is ominous, as if it knows what’s going to happen. The rain is falling down against the nearly floor to ceiling window behind her desk. Sitting daintily YourSecretary is on her work phone with her business voice on. Its 8:15am and The Pelz walks in….

I know you liked that, I should write for the moving picture shows! I got to work at 8:15 and I am greeted with a phone conversation at the end of our unit. From what I gathered, YourSecretary was on the phone with the Metro Access driver complaining about her FREE ride to work. Now, Metro Access is a transportation service for people who have some sort of disability that prevents them from driving or taking the bus. For the life of us, my coworkers and I can’t figure out what it’s for. At any rate, she gets a ride to work every morning. Now, I only got to hear her end of the conversation, as she was on the phone. But, here’s what I got to enjoy…. All alone in the unit….

First, I called at 645, you didn’t get there until 730! Okay.

[Rasp]First, I had bags in my hand and he just [Rasp] [Rasp] watched my carry those bags [Rasp]….. in the rain I just carried my bags!

I got in the car [Rasp] I got in the car [Rasp] and he didn’t ask to help with my belt. [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] he didn’t even ask! He didn’t ask if I needed help, he didn’t look back to check if I had it on. [Rasp] He just let me go the whole ride without my seat belt on [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] you know, you know.

Yeah [Rasp] and when we pulled he went past the stairs, you know. [Rasp] [Rasp]He went past those stairs, you know? I asked him to back up. Girl, you know what he said! [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Cough] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp] [Cough] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp]He said, ‘I don’t care about you people’ that’s right heh- [Rasp]-heh- [Rasp]-heh. He said, he don’t care about us people. I said to the man, I said, you know, ‘you may not care about us [Rasp]but we don’t care about you either!’ [Rasp] [Rasp]

Right, yeah, you know. Then he just took off. He just [Rasp] took off like a bat outta hell. heh- [Rasp]-heh- [Rasp]-heh. That’s right, that’s right.

[Rasp] [Rasp] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp]

[Rasp] [Rasp] [Rasp][Cough]

Uhhh, I don’t know what his name was. I don’t know. But, he was African. [Cough] [Cough] [Rasp] You know those Africans. You know how they are, those Africans. He[Cough] [Cough][Rasp] [Cough] [Cough] He was driving one of those black cars, a car not a bus thing, you know. Yeah girl, with Metro Access sticker.

You know what he said to me, he said [Cough][Rasp] [Cough] [Rasp] [Rasp] he said that he can’t stand us people. I [Rasp]told him, we don’t like him either.

The end!

But, just in case, she also told a coworker that the weathermen don’t know anything because they’re not Jesus. Then she actually said “girl, you better recognize”

So in summation: She was especially raspy this day, must've smoked a little more than her usual pack before work. She works out 5 days a week for 3 hours every time. Yet, she can’t carry 3 grocery bags and buckle her seatbelt. One day on the way to work, I saw her walking down a street a mile or more away so that she could buy her breakfast. Yet, she can't drive or take the bus to work? I think that may be a little false. That’s cool though, more power to her. Side note, what are Africans like, YourSecretary? Please enlighten me, or maybe I should tell one of the many Africans that work with us and see what they think about that statement?

I just wish she wouldn't take this FREE SERVICE that she probably doesn't need, and take advantage of it; take services away from possible deserving members of the community. I wish she wouldn't look this gift horse in the mouth. Pretty soon it's going to bit her in her ass.

Now Playing: Zef Side - Die Antwoord

Fucking love this shit. Wanna thank my old roommate Dick for introducing me to them last year (way behind everyone else but whatever). I just read an interview with them in some magazine and they were so amazingly arrogant. They're fucking ridiculous, south african rappers? you should see the video for "Enter the Ninja" SO TRIPPY. My 2 favorite parts: When Ninja says "PC Computer" and when they zoom in on his wang. Priceless.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Podcasts and Apps that are over 20 mb.

I constantly find myself trying to download the latest episode of a podcast or some super cool free game to occupy my boredom time. I usually find that I do this whilst at work because, thats better than working (that being said, I still do an exorbitant amount of work in comparison to some). But, since I do it at work, I'm not connected to any kind of WiFi. This in turn means that I can't download anything over 20mb. It BLOWS... so super annoying. I forget when I get home to download it, then the next day at work I try to use it and forget. God it rives me crazy.

Talk Sing

So, I was at the gym this morning, and I go before the morning shows on the radio start. At the early hour they play a lot of random older awesomeness. This morning I heard Freak Me by Silk (1993):

I'd be lying if I told you I didn't sing along super loud to the entire thing... And I mean sing, as in the chorus. I did that because I don't know the versus where they talk the words. I really like it when they sing-talk and grunt at the end of every line... like they're in the midst of sexing when singing it. I dig it. But, is that considered rap? I don't want to say its rap just because they're black. But, it certainly isn't singing. So I wondered, thats when I remembered this awesome video:

This is what I'm talking about... sing talk (I didn't want to steal the title for my blog. See how I cleverly flip flopped the words? Like on Law and Order when they don't want to pay facebook so they call it "facespace" or "facepad" or whatever). So, maybe that's what silk is doing in that song because they're kind of talking to music. BUT, on the Eastern Shore black radio station they play Kesha so...... maybe it is just rap after all.

Speaking of singing... Im watching last nights American Idol and I gotta say I'm frustrated. They seem to be letting people through with bullshit talent. This one chubby 15 year old boy they let through despite forgetting the words probably because he's a loner and people will like his story or whatever. But they sent every single other person home who forgot the words. Stupid. But, my biggest anger of all is this one toolbag who sings adam lambart like, so by sing I mean yell at you. He can't sing really but he yells exceptionally well. He has, apparently, a super sad story and for that he keeps moving on. Let me just let you know about this "sad" story. He had a child young with his girlfriend and now he lost his job and they're struggling. Wow, that is tremendously rare especially in these strong economic times... CAUCASIAN PLEASE! You're just one of a ridiculously large amount of people in your place or worse. Your story is more common I think than uncommon. I worked at a homeless shelter for 2 years, when you get there maybe we'll talk. And take that gd scarf or bandana or whatever out of your pocket.

on that note:

Now Playing: With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Crocker version a la Wonder Years

Pet Peeve of the Day: The effing snow. So, last weekend all the reports were saying the precipitation would be rain. So, stupidly I used my free car wash coupon to get a car wash... then it called for snow, and snowed like 2 inches or something stupid. This means snow galore. Snow galore means my car is no longer blue, it is now white and disgusting. THANKS MOTHER NATURE, asshole. I just cleaned Pearl... god. Also, I was gone this morning from like 4:45am to 6am and in that time a mother effing car took my spot. Who the hell comes home at that time on a Wednesday night? I can't wait to save up enough money to blow this popsicle stand!

The YourSecretary Experience: Better Than Sex

So, I've officially found a title for my series on YourSecretary... you remember her right? Well, because it appears as though it will be an ongoing saga, it needs a title and I liked YourSecretary Experiance... Because its quite the experience every time you have to interact with her....

So today's installment is titled "Better Than Sex." ... Yeah........................................ I'm sure you can already tell this is going great places. This is just a day in the life of YourSecretary and her humble minions (yours truly). Let me just preface this by saying that on one fateful day I went to (we'll call her "S") S's desk. S keeps candy on her desk so that when the coworkers get stressed (which at this job you inevitably do) they can stop by for a mini break and get some yummy candy. Ok, so I stop by and see S and am talking about work related things, NOT for candy. All of the sudden in swoops YourSecretary, on the prowl; nothing will stand in her way. She eyes the candy and there just isn't any getting between her and her prey. I happened to be standing in front of the candy and Im a big person so I suppose? it may have been difficult for anyone to reach over and get candy. So.... in YourSecretary swoops, throws her left arm in front of me grabbing for the candy and pushing me back. All of the sudden I find myself talking over YourSecretary to S in an effort to get the vital information I seek. All I hear is ruffling of wrappers, YourSecretary scrounging for the perfect piece(s) of candy. It reminded me a little of a squirrel burrowing a hole looking for the acorn it burried a week ago combined with a 7 year old child collecting as much candy from the pinata as they could. So, moral of that story, she knocked my ass back to get to some funsize candy bars.

with that being said, let me bring you back to this day, a Friday, do the least amount of work mood (even more that usual) is in the air. It's about 8:30, not very many people have come in yet and in walks (who w will call "B"). B brought in a cake that her mother got for her and sent from her home town to share with everyone. So B asks YourSecretary numerous times if she wanted some. But, she kept saying no apparently? I walked in after this seemed to have happen... oh no wait! I didn't she just wanted to pretend it had been a long battle. B asked her once she said nothing so that B would have to ask her again, but she never did. So, a piece of this cake is brought over to YourSecretary and out of nowehere:

[RASP] OH NO GIRL... You asked me before and I told you I don't want none. Girrrllll, you know I don't eat sweats. [cough]heh[cough]heh

So... she doesn't eat sweats? I was mistaken when she rushed like a football player to get some fun-fucking-size candy.

So... fast forward to like 1030ish. S comes around with one of her Better Than Sex cakes. At this point I have my earphones on so I can't hear what S, or any normal volume of speech. They're talking about something and all I hear is:

It's a myth....

[no response]

That's just a myth S. You know that. It's a myth ...... [10 seconds pass]... It's a myth, girl a myth.

S:Yeah, that's what I was just saying.

[rasp] Yeah girl, you know it ain't true. [rasp] I heard that name of that cake girl, and I thought: that's a myth. Girl you know that ain't the truth. [rasp][rasp][rasp][rasp] Girl when you got a husband, like I do, thats a myth. Girrrrrrrrrl.

[S walks away and is around the corner nearly down the hall]

[rasp][rasp] Girl [rasp][rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp] heh [rasp]. Girrrrllllll, heh, you know when you married like I am that ain't true, ain't nothing like it.

Yes, okay YourSecretary. I see you have a husband. It also appears as though you have had sex with him. In fact, that picture of your daughter that you keep open and stare at for hours at end, hoping that someone..... anyone will just take a split second to look. One glance thats all you ask, so that they can be amazed by her beauty and ask you who she is, some attention is all you crave.... oh lord, sorry I went off on a tangent. That daughter, in addition to the other child you have who you speak to constantly at work with the ghettoest (ghettoist?) of names; those things suggest that you have in fact had sex at least twice in your life.

But! Just in case you weren't sure, 1:30pm rolls along, just in the nick of time. Just as I was forgetting the idea that YourSecretary had had sex. Finally letting that go. Our GD supervisor got a piece of that damn cake. YourSecretary had at this point already had a piece (or probably 7... im a fat ass too, who am i to judge). All of sudden:

[rasp] Hey [supervisor's name, twice] [rasp] You try that cake yet? Huh, girrllll? You try S's cake yet? [rasp] [cough, cough] You know what it's called right?

[maybe like 2 minutes pass]

[rasp] You know the name of that cake don't you, girrrl, I know you know. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's wrong [supervisor's name]. The name of that cake is so wrong. It's so wrong. It's good, [rasp] [supervisor's name] but it ain't the truth. [rasp] No way. [rasp] Ain't nothing better. When you got a husband like I do. When you're married like me. It ain't true, girrrlllll. I got a husband, [rasp] ain't nothing better. That cake ain't.

So, I apologize if that is hard to understand. I just hope I was able to accurately represent her gloriousness. I just don't think I can do it justice!

Lessons learned: YourSecretary doesn't eat sweats ever, except on days that end with Y, usually. Also, YourSecreatary has had sex and it was better than those pieces of cake that she had.

You're Welcome!

Now Playing: Nan, You're a Window Shopper - Lily Allen

Pet Peeve of The Day:

That is a half eaten plum... and some random cheese shreds.... on my counter.

Celebrating Black History Month Part 2: The White People Who Can't

So... is this where it gets racist.... Maybe I should rephrase this as "tools in media." Those who think that they have a black card maybe but don't. Those who think they can identify with the hip hop community but have no place to say they do. At the end of the day, most of these people have been WAY more successful than I'll ever be so... how mean can this actually be. On that note:

1- Justin Beiber

I think I just have an overall hatred for Bieber... he's a white kid from toronto who all of the sudden has street cred? Just because you were discovered by Usher and have an oddly creepy relationship with him... means nothing. If he would just pull up his pants... maybe I could like him. Just to your waist, thats all Im asking. Ugh I hate this new pants trend lil wayne started....

2-Sarai

(this may not work on this site, but it's the only video I could find)

This may be my very favorite. Its the summer of 2003 (although I have to admit i thought it happened in the 90's). You're enjoying some great music like 50 cent's debut and the debut of Justin Timberlake's solo career. I know it seems like so long ago! But, remember if you can this gem of a song that surely got the party started. I'm pretty sure Sarai is a swedish woman pretending to be from new york. I can't put my finger on it but I cant think she's authentic. But, I love the flashback.

3- Justin Timberlake

And on that note! The one and only. I'll have to admit, I was team NSYNC growing up. I loved them, I did. But, towards the end of their reign, things got a little weird. Some of them (justin) stopped identifying with their key demographic and tried something new. This picture of homeboy in cornrows should be enough, what.a.tool. When he came out with his solo shit, I was devastated. I could no longer take him seriously with his hip hop swag or whatever the f. There was this special on VH1 "Ego Trip's Race-O-Rama." They gave ghetto passes (or black cards) to various people like my man Bill Clinton, and took them away from people like the one and only JT.... couldn't agree more!

4- Asher Roth

Look at how he handles that mic? He wrote a fucking rap about being preppy and in college... fail right there... can't stand the fake swag on this guy.

OHMYGOD i think my head just exploded.

5- George Bush

Let me just say this has nothing to do with my politics. BUT.... I mean, Kanye said he doesn't like black people.... and if his holiness Kanye says it... well it must be true. I don't make all the rules, but I have to follow them!

1:30 mark is where it gets good. Most awkward video EVER.

Hmm, I'm a little disappointed with my list... not quite as funny as I'd hoped. Don't worry though, I have my next post planned and it is going to be AWESOME.

Now Playing: All of the Lights - Kanye featuring everyone in the world.

Pet Peeve of the Day: Left Lane driving.... So if you're in the left lane of a smaller street and you're going 60, I can certainly let it slide. But, on the motherfucking capitol beltway. Not allowed. I have to take the beltway to work every single day and I ALWAYS end up in the left lane stuck behind someone going like 61 mph... thats what the right lane is for assholes. I shouldn't have to pass anyone in the left lane... its the fast lane OR the passing lane for fuck sakes.... move over, jesus. I was looking at the mat in my car the other day, and Ive worn away the carpet underneath the break and gas pedal... not because of constantly slamming on my breaks... but from getting frustrated and taking it out on my carpet... thanks drivers of the dc metro area (I REFUSE to say DMV)... you're ruining my car! Jerks!

Celebrating Black History Month: Those White People That Can.

So, in an effort to celebrate black history month... and national bird-feeding month, I would like to bring you this part 1 of 2 installments of Celebrating Black History Month. In this installment I would like to shed light on the white people who are allowed to celebrate it. Now, I know what you're saying, "Erika you're a racist." But, before you come to that likely accurate conclusion,hear me out. First, I'm half black and half white so, I'm allowed. Secondly,thisparticular post is about praising people who have helped black people, or sound black, orcan blend in well with them? Come on, you all know what I'm talking about. So with That, here we go:

1- First, when initially suggesting this blog post, Alison immediately nominated herself, I suppose I can allow that. She is 1 of 3 readers... also it's been brought to my attention and then beaten into my head that Color Me Badd (emphasis on the second "d") must... MUST be on this list so there you have it.

2- Eminem:

Is there really a need for an explanation on this. He's Eminem. Probably the best, definitely the most successful white rapper. I think perhaps Donnie Whalberg (?) and all of New Kids? in their prime maybe... and Marky Mark when he was with the funky bunch. But, by far the best is Eminem.

3- Joss Stone

I tried to get a better video, but stupid youtube.... Joss Stone is this tiny little British Blonde woman girl person who actually has this amazingly powerful black lady voice. Her first albumwas all covers of mostly classic R&B songs plus that White Stripes song "Fell in Love with a Girl."

4- Pink

I say pink for that picture above. She will forever have Black History Month status because of "Can't Take Me Home" her first album. How hood was she then!? and she pulled it off! Also, her second album was called "M!ssundaztood." I mean come on. Also, she's from Philadelphia.

5-Jon B

Come on, do I really need to say why. The 90's would have sucked without him!

6-Michael McDonald

I needed to keep the theme of video, picture, video so I didn't post a video of him. But, you'll have to trust me. Michael McDonald was definitely a member of the Doobie Brothers, and that combined with his appearance would lead any normal person to question this decision, as he may look like the whites person EVER. But, he made two solo albums of all Motown music... which is enough in my eyes. I love the man, and I won't keep it a secret.

7- Anastacia (skip to 30 seconds for the intro and interview and 1:45 for the song)

Now, I don't know if you guys remember this show from like 2000? But, I LOVED this show, and can we just take a moment of silence for the beloved Left Eye?....... And on that note, another tiny blonde woman with a black lady's voice. Not British, but ironically only famous in Europe.

8- Gary Owen

Ok, well I said picture, video, picture... but I almost forgot to include this, and I love him.

Last, but farthest from least:

9- Bill Clinton

Look at Bill play that saxaphone, this combined with his appearance on Arsenio Hall (not to mention balancing the budget and awesome policy such as welfare reform) made him the actual first black president. Love it

So in conclusion, I really hope I didn't offend anyone with my blog posts. I would like to think itisn't ACTUALLY seen asracist, and I hope the 3 people who read it, get it. But, as a disclaimer, I love all people!

Now Playing: I Wanna Sex You Up - Color Me Badd

Pet Peeve of the Day: The New T-Mobile Commercials:

So above is the new theme of the T-Mobile Commercials. On the left is the iPhone and the right is... whatever phone T-Mobile has.

Below is the long running (hopefully soon to return) Apple (maker of iPhone) Computer commercials

see any similarities? They are both in all white rooms with one person representing the advertised product on the right and another incompetent always failing person representing the competing product on the left. The only difference is T-Mobile has some girl representing them and Justin Long for the Apple commercials.

These commercials are literally the same thing except one for apple and one shitting all over apple. SO, I am just curious as to how no stink has been raised about this yet? I feel like some sort of infringement has taken place. The lack of originality kind of infuriates me.... but that may be partially because I have an iPhone... but I promise that isn't the main reason!

Oops!

How could I forget my new features!? Also, Im upset at my computer so it fits perfectly...

Now Playing: Shark in the Water - VV Brown

Pet Peeve of the Day:

Windows update. (disclaimer: If I could afford a macbook, you bet your ass I would have one). I didn't see any indication while ON the computer that it needed to be updated. But, I guess it can only be updated at 3 in the morning...I say this because at 3 this morning I wake up to a bright light and loud ass noise because my computer updated. So that was awesome. Also, now my computer is telling me that there are new updates available... NO THERE ARE NOT. Come the fuck on.